You Missed It: Bear attack edition

I’ve never understood why Friday the 13th is such a big deal. There are all sorts of theories as to why 13 is considered an unlucky number, but come on, at least it’s Friday. Are the parties on Friday night supposed to be really lame or something? As for 13, it’s not even a universal fear in western culture. For example, the Italians believe Friday the 17th is unlucky. I don’t want to alarm anyone but we have more of both coming up later this year. If you were busy watching a failed missile launch this week, odds are you missed it.

Things are just different in Vermont
You’d think that being governor of Vermont is a pretty safe job, but you’d be wrong. Gov. Peter Shumlin was nearly eaten by bears this week. He had gone to bed when he heard some rustling outside. He found that it was four black bears, two of which were cubs, trying to get at a bird feeder in his back yard. The bears refused to listen to reason, so Shumlin was forced to walk over and take the bird feeder, to which the bears took umbrage. One of them charged him, but he made it back inside in time. He said he was “three feet of getting ‘arrrh.'” Good god, they were pirate bears!

God himself denies being a creepy old man
Morgan Freeman is a man of many roles (and weird freckle things), but there’s one role he won’t be playing any time soon: husband. The president in Deep Impact denied rumors that he plans to marry is 27-year-old step-granddaughter. So, you know, never mind that he got in a car accident a couple years ago while allegedly messing around with another woman, which led his wife to divorce him, Freeman is not marrying his step-granddaughter. You’d better listen to him, he’s the HNIC.

Guns without Rose
The original line-up of Guns N’ Roses will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tomorrow, but to the surprise of very few, Axl Rose will not be there, because he still has a beef with his former bandmates, and they with him. On top of that, he “strongly request[ed]” that he not be inducted in absentia. My guess is that the next frontman to skip out on the ceremony will be Kurt Cobain when Nirvana is inducted next year.

Guns don’t just make your penis look larger

As we’ve already learned today, beer makes you smarter. But, you know what will make you look taller and more muscular, too? Holding a gun.

According to research from UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution and Culture, people shown pictures of hands holding guns are more likely to overestimate the height and muscularity of the man holding it by an entire two inches. Meanwhile, hands holding caulk guns and power drills were seen as merely compensatory (hand tools being the Ferraris of the man accoutrement world)  and subtracted inches.

So, pull your piece in public. And, thanks to more states allowing guns in bars, you can show off your juggling skills with your gun, beer and trivia buzzer. (They laughed at you for going to Clown College, but who’s laughing now? Nobody, you big man, you.)

Why you’re so good at bar trivia

You’re never smarter than when you’ve had a couple beers.

That’s what researchers found in a recent study. Men who have a BAC of 0.07 are better able to solve puzzles than people who are sober. In fact, subjects who had a couple beers solved 40% more brain-teasers than those who did not have alcohol in their system.

Turns out alcohol does solve problems.