Day: April 17, 2012

Eat My Sports: NBA

So we’ve finally reached the apex of an NBA season that rightfully so, no one cares about. The Heat and Bulls are the only two teams that can rightfully clams the throne, and so we are at a sad state of affairs in the NBA.

Not too long ago there would be at least twelve teams at a time that could be in line for a title, now the NBA is so top heavy that LeBron’s talents in South Beach have made the league not just worth watching anymore.

The remedy? I’m afraid we dont have one as the league continues to spiral towards oblivion, but at the very least we know that we only have to pay attentn to two teams in the league.

Pint-sized terror on lockdown

There’s another threat we’ve been trumpeting about for years, and that is children. Children below the age of seven, in particular. They fly below radar, eat sand and we won’t go into the darnedest things they say. That’s why we applaud the Milledgeville Police Department for handcuffing an unruly, crying 6-year-old before transporting her to jail.

According to the report, police responded to a call about Creekside Elementary kindergartner, Salecia Johnson, who had torn stuff off the wall and knocked over furniture. Police found her in the principal’s office, where she continued her spree by jumping on a paper shredder and biting the doorknob. Even though she could not operate the door, the police officer handcuffed her after she “resisted arrest.” (The report does not state whether the officer used regular handcuffs or specialty child-sized ones from Claires.)

See? This is what happens when you don’t allow exorcisms in public schools.

It’s like Facebook for kids with conviction records, which kind of makes it MySpace

These days there’s a social network catering to just about every kind of demographic. Interested in hanging out with fellow runners (JogBook), researchers (SearchSpace), pineapple lovers (Pineapperest), jet skiers (FriendSki), or amateur snuff film makers (Snuffer)? You got it! There’s probably a website available for just about every type of fetishist as well, but we’ll leave those corners of the web to Rick Snee.

In Japan, one of the latest social networks to hit the Internet is Yankee I Love You, a site made exclusively for juvenile delinquents and wannabe troublemakers to socialize. Are you into motorcycles, bling, orange tans, Tony Montana, perfectly styled pompadours and live in Japan? Great, this sure sounds like your kind of place!

It turns out that the word “Yankee” is used in Japan to describe thuggish kids, hence the name. The term originated in Osaka in the seventies, and was once used to refer to the flashy teens who would hang out at the city’s Amerikamura fashion district.

Yankee I Love You user profiles are as gaudy and customizable as you would expect. Users can prove their street cred by providing a summary of their arrest record and the name of their favorite motorcycle gang. Despite the rough nature of the site’s clienteles, managers claim that there have been no issues with any users thus far.

We can only assume that, despite the numbers we’re fed, it’s because there aren’t actually any users outside of Tom.

Tattoos make you drink more

Do you have tattoos? The answer could surprise you, considering how much you drink.

According to a recent survey of 3,000 men outside bars, if you’ve got ink, you’re more likely to drink more than your non-tattooed friends. Guys were asked as they left the bar if they had any skin art, and then submitted to a breathalyzer test, and as it turns out, the ones with tats were drunker, but that may be cause and effect.