Day: April 20, 2012

You Missed It: Rockin’ out edition

It’s April 20, or 4/20, which is popular with the stoners of the world, even though no one’s really sure why. Willie Nelson is probably leading a pot parade or something today, but today is also famous for other things. For example, it’s Adolf Hitler’s birthday. It’s also the 13th anniversary of the Columbine shootings and the second of the Deepwater Horizon disaster. But there is one good thing that happened on this date: Fenway Park opened for business exactly one century ago. If you were busy passing the duchy, odds are you missed it.

Gone to that big bandstand in the sky
Dick Clark, a legend in the music and television industry, died this week at the age of 82. Since suffering a stroke a few years ago, he’s been less visible, but to generations he was responsible for breaking musical acts and a relatable personality on television. We can all look forward to seeing him again as the holographic host of New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013.

Not everything stays a secret
Two Secret Service agents have been fired, and more are expected, after it was uncovered that the security team had been drinking and picking up prostitutes during the president’s recent visit to Colombia. Their mantra was “Wheels up, rings off,” which will be the name of my mid-life-crisis band in about 15 years.

Commence pleasure program
Robots are quickly becoming our betters in every imaginable sense. It’s only a matter of time before they rise up against us, but before then, they will try to conquer our desires. A group of researchers say that robots will one day take over the sex trade. It’s not enough that they take our factory jobs, now they want to put single mothers out of work, too?

He went to Amsterdam, and all I got was this lousy computer virus

For those of you who have been eagerly awaiting to have sex with a robot, there is now a projected date to mark on your calendar: 2050. That’s according to two Victoria University researchers, “Management professor Ian Yeoman, a futurist with an interest in tourism, and sexologist Michelle Mars.”

The two published a paper in the journal Futures, “Robots, Men And Sex Tourism,” in which they theorize a sex club in Amsterdam named Yub-Yum will offer up flawless android prostitutes to Red Light District tourists. Moreover, they believe that the 10,000 Euro encounters will be guilt- and disease-free as the customers have technically not cheated on their real-life partners and the machines will be routinely hosed down and made of a bacteria-resistant material.

What has not been accounted for is when the androids are retired after years of unspeakable service. That’s where The Guys’ moonlighting services as futurists come in: Blade Runner Camp. (Patent: us.)

Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.

The war in the neighborhood

Pets are generally a good thing. It’s always a good idea to learn more about how the enemy works, as long as you never trust them. But pets don’t only threaten you, they threaten everyone in your neighborhood.

A woman in Maryland owns eight peacocks as pets, and her neighbors aren’t happy. Originally the birds were kept in cages, but when a neighbor complained about the beasts, it was pointed out that peacocks cannot legally be cooped up like that, so now they are free-ranging around the neighborhood. And now it’s mating season, when peacocks get noisy. Neighbors complain about the noises all night long.

Remember: You can eat peacocks.