Month: May 2012

You Missed It: Staying classy edition

Alright, it’s summer. Not officially, but in essence. You’re probably on the road already, heading to your long weekend adventure. Eyes on the road, punk. This year I get to kick off the summer with a wedding for someone I don’t really know. I also get to end the summer in the same fashion Labor Day weekend. There should be a law against having weddings on long weekends, because no one is important enough to take up that much time. If you were busy admitting you’re a 29-year-old virgin, odds are you missed it.

A president and some porn stars
Bill Clinton: Elder statesman, tireless charity worker and fan of the ladies. This week, the former president was in Monte Carlo, Monaco for an event for his foundation and the Prince Albert II of Monaco Foundation, when three women asked to have their picture taken with him. We have to assume that this is pretty common for Clinton. Two of the women were adult film stars known as Brooklyn Lee and Tasha Reign. Clinton shook their hands and said how much he admired their work.

Dive, bar, dive!
Drinking is fun no matter where it’s done, but what if you could drink underwater? Thanks to the pioneers at Guinness, now you can. The beer company teamed up with architects to design and build a tourist submarine that doubles as an underwater pub. You’ll be singing sea shanties in no time.

It’s Britney, bitch
Britney Spears has reportedly taken up golf to relieve stress. The only problem is that she’s terrible at it. She has trouble hitting the ball, and when she does, she sometimes hits other golfers. On top of that, she often lets go of her club as she swings. Remember when she was just endangering the lives of her children?

Attack of the Reagan clones

Let the world know that Ronald Reagan is not for sale. An auction of a vial of Reagan’s blood from a 1981 stay in the hospital has been stopped, and the owner will now donate it to the late president’s foundation instead.

The foundation is saying how pleased it is with the outcome, completely skipping over that it moved to block the auction earlier this week. We can only assume that legal threats were made, why else would someone donate an item when they could make thousands of dollars off of it.

As for the sample of Reagan’s DNA, it’s clear that the foundation wants to do some work on it, perhaps creating an army of Reagan clones sent to clean up Washington, provided they find a cure for Alzheimer’s.

X to the whatever power

Planet X has been newly discovered. Again.

New evidence has been discovered that theorizes that a previously unseen planet may skirt around the edges of our galaxy. The hypothetical planet is estimated at being four times the size of Earth and pulls small bits of ice and frozen objects with its gravity.

While this is nice and all, haven’t we already gotten a Planet X more than a couple times by now? In fact, isn’t it nearly a yearly event? I’m tired of Planet X. Either name it something other than Planet X (my suggestion is Tony), declare it a real planet or don’t bother me with the news. The option is yours space nerds.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Election’

Has it crossed your mind that the morality play is a dead genre? Perhaps you’ve wondered what’s become of sharply-written satire?

Alexander Payne’s Election works as both.

First, though it’s over a decade old, its packaging feels modern, almost trendy. Not screechy and obnoxious like handfuls of other teen films currently being produced or peddled. Election‘s charm comes largely from its narrative technique: the audience gets the stories directly from the voice-overs of major characters. Hence we witness various perspectives that combine to create quite a jumbled unity. Payne, the director and co-writer, gives us digestible units that quicken pace and intensify plot. The result? We come away licking our lips, our appetites teased by the delicious ironies. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Election’

Must’ve been a lot of homies that passed away

People, if we could have a moment of silence, please?

—-

Thank you. I needed this. You see, a truck recently overturned itself on a highway in Miami. Its contents? Fifty-five thousand pounds of beer. Specifically Amstel Light and Heineken, and while those two skunky beers are far from my favorites, any innocent beer spilt on the ground, even if it’s Pabst, Keystone Light or Beast Ice, gets a moment of remembrance from SG.

It sure is dusty in this room. Sniff.

Gator in the court

Missouri was once a lawless place, but today, the law is quite firm. And one of the things it says is illegal is to abuse animals. The Guys agree with this. Abusing animals you are holding captive is tantamount to abusing prisoners of war. Our cause does not need an Abu Graib.

A Missouri man is facing charges of animal abuse regarding several of his pets, including seven alligators. He’s now trying to convince the court to allow him to bring the gators into the courtroom to prove how tame they are. We don’t have to tell you that this is all just part of a larger plan to force the alligators to answer for their crimes in the court of law.

This could be a pioneering case.

He’s just doing what we’re all thinking

Man, unruly people at the movies are the worst! Oh sure, you might think that as the resident film critic over here at SG, that’s a totally biased opinion. Well, person I do not care to speak to, you’d be wrong, as it’s a certifiable fact. Don’t believe me? There are plenty of people who will agree with me, one of which is potentially Yong Hyun Kim.

Kim was enjoying a nice evening out at the cinema with his sweety when he was besieged by a 10 year old! A most unruly child, it must be added! According to Kim, popcorn was being thrown and loud, bothersome noise was being created by the fifth grader and his friends, destroying the fun of going out to the movies. Rather than talking to a manager, Kim allegedly asked them to knock it off. Their impudent response caused him to snap, resulting in him slapping one of them so hard the kid lost a tooth. Respect.

Look, I’m not saying you need to beat the kid … but having a little fear and respect wouldn’t exactly be a bad thing for him.