Day: May 1, 2012

Eat My Sports: Use in case of emergency

For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the New York Knicks have made the NBA postseason for the second consecutive year, and for the second consecutive year, they are getting the crap kicked out of them. How, you ask? Well, this misfit team built around Carmelo Anthony and Amaré Stoudemire’s god awful contract are being exposed for being as selfish as they are.

Having multiple superstars on a team only works if all the assembled parts sacrifice stats for the greater good of the team, see: ’07-’08 Boston Celtics. Anthony’s isolation and overall unwillingness to have the offense go any other direction than through him has made the Knicks one dimensional, predictable and has Stoudemire’s lacerating his arm by punching through fire extinguisher glass. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Use in case of emergency

Rooting out snake suicide bombers

We’ve been fighting this War on Animals for so long that we can’t even remember if we’ve warned you about snake suicide bombers. We’ll err on the side of caution and say we told you so, anyway.

The Florida Everglades are so overgrown that pythons have turned it into their own veritable pit. Partly because of irresponsible species traitors who drop them off shortly after bringing them to the U.S. — and partly due to an exotic snake warehouse destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992 — the enemy has dug into the wild, untamed region where even our armed forces can barely reach them.

And now, they’re planning to bomb us. Otherwise, why would officials fighting the good fight enlist bomb-sniffing dogs to find them?

Happy meals? Try sloshed meals

In late April, McDonald’s Japan opened its largest branch in Harajuku Omotesando. The store is approximately 795 square feet and can seat up to 328 hungry customers. Very soon the restaurant will also have its very own cafe, where customers will be able to order coffee right down to the most specific of desire.

According to reports, the Harajuku Omotesando branch was designed to appeal to a more adult and trendy demographic than usual, which seems to be a recurring trend with fast food restaurants in Japan these days. The going rumor is that it will try to compete with a KFC that serves whiskey.

We at SG know the only smart way to do that: more whiskey and booze.

Hard rider

Motorcycles are inherently sexy. It’s the mixture of the feelings of freedom, rebellion and possible death that get people going. But one man is suing BMW because his ride is a little too exciting.

For the past 20 months, Henry Wolf, of California, has had an erection, thanks to a four-hour long ride on his 1993 BMW motorcycle, according to the lawsuit. There is no end to his priapism in sight, either. He’s seeking damages from BMW for causing the condition and the emotional distress it has caused, as well as other things.