It’s like Baby Beluga, minus the Beluga and plus the consumption

The Atkins Diet? Bah. Phen-phen? Phooey. South Beach Diet? Balderdash. Super XXL Vito-Blast? Yeah right (and furthermore, why oh why, Alex, does someone need 300 percent of their daily riboflavin intake?). Anything hocked by Anna Nicole Smith or that random blonde chick that loses her jeans in the commercial? No.

Why bother with any of those time-tested and failed excuses for dieting when the true solution has been found? Not only is it natural, but it fulfills the fetish that white people have for products originating from the east, this miracle pill coming from China and South Korea. Are you ready for it?

It’s powdered human flesh capsules, primarily originating from fetuses and babies.

Oh, you can go. I’ll let you run off and retch now.