Ask Dr. Snee: The new AIDS

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m your doctor, Dr. Snee.

In honor of the passing of Richard Dawson, I’ve changed things up a bit today. I’m still answering your medical letters, but have also surveyed a group of comatose patients using a series of electrical shocks and ranked their responses by popularity. Also, I printed out each letter this week and kissed and politely groped them when I thought nobody was looking.

And the subject of all of today’s letters? The new AIDS … I’m gonna go wash up after fondling those emails.

Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: The new AIDS

I think our country is loco

A few years ago, Patton Oswalt created a bit based off of the KFC Famous Bowls. On his most recent album, he updated the bit, stating that KFC announced that the Famous Bowls were their most successful selling product ever. He wept for our nation.

Now, I weep for our nation, as Taco Bell has announced that their Doritos Locos Tacos is the largest and most successful product launch for the company ever. This is just a scant two months after their launch. Just what is the sales number for an item to qualify for such characteristics?

100 million. As in number sold.

What is wrong with you people? Why do you eat such items? Someone needs to wipe my wet eyes with their cheese-powder dusted fingers.

Disney gets goofy over selling junk to kids

It seems like the whole nation is now at war against junk food. Not us, of course. Sedentary people are sedentary readers.

First, New York mayor and pint-sized terror, Michael Bloomberg, proposed a ban on all sugary drinks served in 16-ounce or larger cups in the city’s restaurants. Now, Walt Disney Co plans to cut back on the number of junk food advertisements aired during children’s programming, including their Disney channels, ABC, ABC Family and ESPN Pop Warner. (Ask your cable provider.)

Disney must have realized that children built like John Candy are less likely to live long enough to buy Oliver & Company when it’s finally re-released from “the vault” in 10 years.

Leaky Capitol urinal comes to kill print media

Reporters have dangerous jobs, especially the ones in Washington, D.C. Sure, the reporters working in war zones or pretty much anywhere in Detroit have a pretty solid claim, but D.C. reporters have to deal with politicians all the time. Then there are times when the bathrooms attack you.

Members of the press in the Capitol Building were attacked by a leaky urinal. The House Press Gallery was swamped with water when a nearby men’s room sprung a leak. Terrorism has not yet been ruled out.

The leak was eventually fixed, but one reporter, morosely found the situation to make a commentary on the state of print media in his coverage:

“Capitol Police officers, gallery staff, and other U.S. Capitol personnel moved to contain the flow. In doing so, they found a use, finally, for the gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals, as makeshift sponges and sandbags.”