Day: June 8, 2012

You Missed It: HackedIn edition

Apparently there’s something big coming up in the world of soccer, but I have no idea what it is. I know it’s not the World Cup or the Olympics, and that it’s some European league tournament, but I have absolutely no idea what it’s called or why it matters. My roommate is big into the sport, so I’m sure I’ll find out this weekend at some point. If you were busy waiting in line for Prometheus this week, odds are you missed it.

A Russian hacker winked at you!
LinkedIn, eHarmony and Last.fm were hacked, and millions of members’ passwords were published on a Russian hacking forum. It was later revealed that the infrastructure the sites used to protect the passwords were horribly outdated. So if someone updates your resumé, gets you a date and gives you some sweet tunes, you’ll know you’ve been hacked.

Loco for tacos
Taco Bell announced this week that their Doritos Locos Taco, the taco with a Dorito for a shell, is the fastest-shelling fast food item in the history of the world. Since it was introduced to the world a matter of months ago, 100 million of the tacos have been sold, when it took McDonald’s years to sell that many Big Macs. Also going up in sales around the country in recent months: toilet paper.

I won’t have another
One day before a shot at the coveted Triple Crown of horse racing, I’ll Have Another injured his leg and was scratched from the Belmont Stakes. His trainer announced that the horse is also retiring from racing altogether. So you’ll have to find another excuse to day-drink tomorrow.

There’s pro-life, and then there’s pro-looking busy at work

Some people kill time at work by playing Minesweeper. Republican congressmen do it by introducing anti-abortion measures into every single bill, relevance be damned.

The House GOP approved a Homeland Security spending bill that includes an attachment by Rep. Robert Aderholt, R-Ala, which prevents Immigration and Customs Enforcement from funding abortions for illegal immigrants. You hear that, ICE? Your days of aborting anchor babies are over!

… Except, as ICE spokesperson Barbara Gonzalez said, they have never funded or provided an abortion. Ever. Not even in that Planned Parenthood, “never with government money” way, but “even when we really wanted to because that baby was a terrorist.” (ICE already had a policy in place based on the Justice Department’s rule for the Bureau of Prisons that bars willy-nilly abortions.)

But, at least nobody can say Rep. Aderholt has never worked a day in his 15 years in the House. Technically, he’s worked at least one now.

[Cue line from Stifler here]

Canada. It’s a country normally known for being fairly polite and nice. Sure, the stereotype is that, despite the abundance of hockey goons, they tend to be well-mannered, which is not a bad thing to type-cast as. Except Canadians are actually a bunch of jerks. And in no surprise, their humor tends to be about a decade behind.

For example, see a junior high school in Grand Marais, Manitoba.

Multiple teenagers are alleging that an adult chaperone tricked them into eating poop. Specifically moose poop. While on a field trip, the man fooled two incredibly dumb kids, telling them that the fecal moose matter was not only just a mixture of wild grass and berries, but also nutritious.

When asked, the man said “Tastes, *snicker* tastes awfully nutty, eh? *snort*”

I can’t haz strip club?

Despite the best warnings of this site and all we touch, there is a large element out there that not only enjoys nature, but welcomes cute pictures of animals to their monitors both at work and at home. Do you think that a kitten is cute and unassuming? Think again!

Their claws are like razors and their poops are like unlit napalm, and yet we trust them. A man in Florida learned the hard way, do not trust kittens, especially if you are trying to get into a strip club. It’s a well-known fact that cats are not attracted to the human female form, so it stands to reason that bringing in an under-aged female should be perfectly acceptable, but the alleged bouncers weren’t having it. That’s when he called 911, several times, actually, until he found someone who would help him right this wrong.

They didn’t see it that way. Instead, the police arrested him for allegedly abusing the 911 system and allegedly that allegedly there was alcohol in his system. Allegedly. In short, this kitten, a surefire way to get attention in the strip club, ruined his night, and maybe his night, completely on purpose.