Day: June 12, 2012

Eat My Sports: Thunder struck

Alright, David Stern, we get it. The league totally is  not fixed. That’s why New Orleans got Anthony Davis freaking gift wrapped right after you sold the team, and then you got the ratings dream series of your life by pitting Kevin Durant against LeBron James in the Finals. I get it, it’s a legit league.

But I digress. Even if this final stinks of the league rigging the conference finals, we still have one hell of an NBA Finals on our hands and it is chock full of rich storylines: good versus evil, organic team versus free agency … will The LeBron puppets return to television? Continue reading Eat My Sports: Thunder struck

Night of the Douchey Dead

Alright, people of the Internet. We’ve called this meeting because it’s time for us to settle once and for all what zombies are. We believe we can all agree that, technically:

1. A person who eats faces, but is not dead, is a cannibal. [NOT A ZOMBIE]

2. A person who cuts out their own guts and throws them at the police, but again is not dead, is one of the Gang of Four. [NOT A ZOMBIE]

3. A person who hits someone with their car and then zaps them with a stun gun, but is not only not dead, but also arrested, is [NOT A ZOMBIE], no matter what their vanity license plate may claim.

Glad we could settle this. Rage on.

It’s this century’s equivalent of the JFK assassination

We’ve been informing the populace about a much-needed invasion: Sadiya, aka, the Bay of Spiders. We warned the world about the outbreak. We even warned the world about the potential monsters involved.

Now we’re being told it’s a hoax.

“There are no killer spiders in the area” is what’s being tossed around by supposed “experts.”

Both Dr Saikia and Chetia said there was no evidence of any spider species in Assam and the Northeast which could cause human deaths. “There is no evidence of any such spider in the region whose bite could lead to human death,” Dr Saikia said.

Any spider that’s alive is prove against that theory. Because if they could, they would eat you in a heartbeat.

Love dies when turtles don’t

One of the scariest things in life is knowing that you will die someday. But what’s worse is knowing that there are animals out there who will outlive you and probably your children and grandchildren. When that happens, you have to take solace in their personal tragedies.

So take heart, fellow warriors, Bibi and Poldi the giant turtles have had a falling out after 115 years, and it looks like it might be permanent. The pair have known each other all of their lives and have lived in zoos the whole time (which is why we know how old they are), but after more than a century together, the look ready to have their mid-life crises. They have attacked each other and are now being kept in separate pens in their Romanian zoo.

That ought to put a smile on your face.