Day: June 20, 2012

Groping is only OK when the government does it

The TSA is an effective and respected federal agency that helps keep millions of Americans safe every day. (There, we said it, in case the feds are tracking us.)

Some people don’t like to be fondled by strangers, as much as this surprises The Guys and ruins their weekend plans. In what may be the sexiest security screen in recent memory, a female passenger took umbrage to the groping by a female TSA agent, and in turn groped her back. Unfortunately for the passenger, this got her a battery charge, and not the cell phone type.

However, the passenger is a former TSA agent herself, and knows how these things are done, so perhaps the grope-back was a lesson.

Canada: Not as squeaky clean as we thought, says UN

We could’ve told you this a long time ago, but no one wanted to listen to us.

The United Nations has put Canada on a human rights watch list.

Some people are saying that this is the truth, as their “we’re so good and friendly, eh?” image is nothing more than a facade, belying their true nature, that of a tyrannical monster. Other people, mainly those in Canada, are saying that this is an attack upon their country.

Personally, we’d like to see Canada stand up in front of the UN and explain hockey fights to the rest of the world. And Tom Green.

Baby Merlot gets go-ahead from Danish doctors

As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.

And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.

The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.