Science wants morons back

Is it just us, or has science pulled a Sandra Dee, all showing up to NASCAR in black vinyl, heels and teased hair while putting out a cigarette? First, they presented evidence that supports letting pregnant women drink, even going so far to say that binging doesn’t really hurt your child. And now? Salad doesn’t work without fatty-fatty-fat-fat salad dressing.

Researchers at Purdue University found that fats in salad dressing increase the amount of carotenoids — or nutrient compounds like lycopene and beta-carotene — absorbed into the blood stream. Without sufficient fats, the good parts just pass right through you.

Or, because we never pass up the opportunity to make an analogy: your insides are the wall of a barn. If you just throw salad at that wall without a thick enough dressing, it just slides right off. But with a thick, creamy layer of Hidden Valley ranch, it sticks to your barn, which will now have better eyesight. (We grew up in the suburbs and, consequently, do not know how barns work.)

This is all well and good, but you do realize, science, that there is no winning morons back, right? They’re still mad about the whole evolution thing and how you wouldn’t go all the way with them at the drive-in.

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Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of “moron,” some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and — on one occasion — a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven’t heard of it). Really, he’s just one of The Guys, y’know?

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