Take it from Snee: There can be only one (but not necessarily Ryan Reynolds)

Salutations, Hollywood executive! You may be wondering why I’m writing you this open letter, and why my headshot is actually a full-body nude. I’ll answer your second question first: I have a lot of these lying around, mostly labeled “return to sender” with a restraining order enclosed

As to your first question: congratulations on your upcoming remake of the 1986 cinematic classic, Highlander. The original, as I’m sure you’re aware, was not well-received by critics, but was a rousing cult hit that spawned a lot of crappy sequels and reintroduced America to one Thomas Sean Connery. In other words, I believe you will enjoy reasonably tremendous success, so long as more women attend than those dragged by their boyfriends with ponytails to the theater.

I see you had just this demographic in mind when you announced your casting of Ryan Reynolds as this century’s Connor MacLeod (of the Clan MacLeod). While I think you have the right idea, I’d like you to take a step back — but within view of the monitor that your intern is assumedly holding up for you right now — and bear with me when I say: there are actors who aren’t Ryan Reynolds. Some of them may even live in your neck of the woods. (Perhaps balancing a frappucino and your monitor?) Continue reading Take it from Snee: There can be only one (but not necessarily Ryan Reynolds)

Boston evicting black bears from suburbs

Boston may be home of the Bruins, but it sure as hell refuses to be home to black bears.

A male black bear, who had originally tried to take up residence at Cape Cod and was removed, has now been found and forcibly evicted from Brookline, a Boston suburb. The bear had not purchased or signed a lease in either locality, so this was obviously an attempt by our greatest foe to squat on foreclosed properties.

The next step? Joining the Home Owners Association and forcing everyone to plant ice cream gardens.

The internet has cats on the brain

Google, in all of its infinite wisdom (and money), decided that it would be a smart idea to see what Google would do if it was a person on the internet.

So, with the power of 16 thousand computers, Google did that very thing, simulating a brain to test the act. What did this Google e-homunculus do?

It went to Youtube and searched for cats.

West Virginia is where the stars go to party

Kris Humphries, Myla Sinanaj, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and all of those other people on that Kardashian show, it’s time to stop harassing ordinary Americans with your wild parties.

Two different people have filed lawsuits against the Kardashians for having wild parties in West Virginia, which, of course, is where those sorts of people go for the parties. Let’s take a look at excerpts from just one of the lawsuits, which alleges there was a sex tape being made.

“It was weird because on the floor was barnyard animals staring at them, sheep, two goats, unicorn, and I thought they were there as witnesses.”

“And Kris went irate on steroid rage, ripped the door open dragged me into the room, put a shot gun to my head that he got from Nets player Jayson Williams and forced me to watch the three defendants have sex with another for 5 hr’s [sic] against my will.”

“I defacated [sic] on my self, barnyard animals snipped at my feet, Chris is laughing at me like the Jolly Green Giant, then a knock on the door, Kim Kardashian opened and it was Charlie Sheen, who had a bag full of ecstasy and set ‘lets get this party started.'”

Really, those people think they are so important.

[via BVS]