Day: June 29, 2012

You Missed It: Alien invasion edition

It’s hot. There, it’s been acknowledged. It’s over 100 here in the Washington, D.C. area, and considering how much of the country is on fire or in a drought, it’s probably hot where you are, too. It gets hot and suddenly that’s all that people talk about. Yes, I punch people who say “Hot enough for ya?” If you were busy announcing your divorce from Tom Cruise, odds are you missed it.

Easy on immigration, tough on aliens
A recent National Geographic poll found that American believe that Obama would be better able to deal with an extraterrestrial invasion than Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Analysts say this is a clear sign that the Obama campaign’s message is resounding strongly with the tinfoil-hat crowd, previously the domain of Ron Paul. However, they are all wrong. Bill Pullman would be the best president to handle such an invasion. This fall, remember his campaign slogan: “I saw its thoughts. I saw what they’re planning to do. They’re like locusts. They’re moving from planet to planet … their whole civilization. After they’ve consumed every natural resource they move on … and we’re next. Nuke ’em. Let’s nuke the bastards.”

Will anyone move to Canada?
On Thursday, the Supreme Court ruled that the Affordable Care Act, or “Obamacare,” if you listen to talk radio, is constitutional. But because of the confusing format of the written decision, both CNN and Fox News initially reported the opposite. President Barack Obama initially got the incorrect message that it was struck down, and was sad for a few minutes. Sad Obama needs to be the next Internet meme.

Pot: More dangerous than we thought
The autopsy of Rudy Eugene, the man who chewed off the face of another man in Miami, found that he had only marijuana in his system, not bath salts, as some first thought. That makes sense. How many times in college did you rock the ganja so hard you got naked and ate someone’s face?

Jewish parents? How did he Nazi that coming?

You know how, whenever somebody comes out against gay rights, it’s only a matter of time before they’re caught with a rent boy? Europe has a similar problem.

Csanad Szegedi, the regional leader of Hungary’s anti-semitic, far-right Jobbik party, had to hold a very serious interview, in which he confessed to having parents of Jewish origin. (What Szegedi meant to say is that he has Jewish origins because that’s how parentage f–king works.) He concluded his statement with this heartwarming sentiment:

“Knowing who is a pure-race Hungarian is not what counts. The important thing is the way one behaves as a Hungarian. [You know, because I’m Jewish now.]”

Ironically, it is because of far-right leaders like Szededi that Jewish Hungarians like his family hid their Jewish origins. But, let’s not end on such a downer. Instead, let’s learn how to dismiss a sheepish Nazi with class. Dr. Richard Prasquier, president of CRIF, the umbrella group of France’s Jewish community, the podium is yours:

“We can but offer our sympathies in light of the terrible discovery. In different circumstances, the appropriate solution would be hara-kiri. Having not chosen this option, the unfortunate Szegedi is forced to embark on philosophical pursuits superior to his intellectual capacity.”

Animal escapees take wild ride, no explosions

Missouri was on high alert earlier this week, because thousands of dangerous convicts escaped from their captors.

Like a late 90s action flick, 2,000 lab mice were locked up in a tractor-trailer, which the drivers carelessly left in a hotel parking lot. The mice had their own plans of getting our and exacting their revenge, but then two dudes on heroin decided to steal the whole truck and cook up a plan to turn it into cash for drugs.

It didn’t work out that way, because all trucks like that have GPS tracking devices for their everyday jobs, tracking down the vehicle and letting the police know is a simple task. If this was really a 90s action flick, Keanu Reeves would have been dropped on top of the truck by helicopter and dealt with the situation. If only.