Eat My Sports: Making noise by not making any

 

With today’s coming and going of the MLB trade deadline, I was facing the harsh reality that the Red Sox were going to let former ace Josh Beckett go in a trade. They were trying to see if someone would take Beckett’s albatross of a contract, and because no one is dumb enough to pay Beckett so much for so little, fried chicken and beer are staying in Boston at least one more year. But with the Sox not being sellers at the deadline, to me at least, it meant they were buyers. It meant management wasn’t giving up just yet, it meant we got … Craig Breslow?

Yup, a reliever from the Diamondbacks, that is our playoff push. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Making noise by not making any

How to be a bigot at home

With all of your friends picketing Chick-fil-A, it’s hard to take a bite out of gay marriage without broadcasting your bigotry. What’s a closeted homophobe to do? Thank goodness for Fox News, because now you can make America’s favorite godfearing chicken sandwich in the safety of your home.

Well, you can make your own Chick-fil-A … so long as you happen to have a canister of MSG lying around your kitchen:

“After a little of this and less of that, Serious Eats found the perfect combination that gets it close to that sweet-salty-savory-hot balance [of spices]: Salt, sugar, MSG, black pepper, cayenne, and paprika.”

And now we know why Mike Huckabee loves this s%@t so much.

Support Your Local World Conqueror

We at SG give more than our fair share of (deserved) flack towards Japan. But it’s okay. They’ve officially made up for it.

A group of Japanese hobbyists have made working mechs that can be piloted by humans. And they can be yours for the low, low price of 1.3 million dollars.

The way we look at it, we only need around 3 of them. That’s a scant 3.9 million dollars, but let’s make it an even 4. We know that you fabulous and sensational people can help us out with the fundraising for this. By doing so, we will make sure that every person who contributes will not be trampled upon in our glorious path for world domination.

Don’t hesitate. Do it. Do it now.

Alcohol increases your chances of getting some, it’s science

Are you an adult who wishes to bag a college student? Are you a college student who just really wants to get some strange? Science has come to the rescue, friends.

All you need to do is take some alcohol, preferably liquor, and then mix it with an energy drink or two. Then *BAM* instant sex with a college-aged person, according to researchers at University at Buffalo’s Research Institute on Addictions. (You gave the drinks to the intended hook-up, not yourself, right?)

According to scientists, whom this is apparently news to, alcohol can increase the chances of casual sex. Now that you have the proper formula, you have no more excuses.

The McBournie Minute: Why did it have to be snakes?

If you’re reading this, there’s a decent chance that you are indoors. And that’s a good thing, because it’s a lot harder to die that way (assuming the building is up to code, of course.) It’s easy for us to forget how dangerous the great outdoors can be. I’m guilty of that.

This past weekend I went camping. It’s something that pretty much everyone has done in their lives, so it seems simple and safe, when in reality, there are things everywhere that can kill you. I was reminded of this when on a hike I came across a rattlesnake, you know, the kind that have venom and teeth and such. One of these guys, actually. It was on a narrow part of the trail, so the options for escape weren’t very numerous.

At that point I realized that survival in the wild may be tougher than I thought. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why did it have to be snakes?

World’s “greatest” eater wins contest, (probably) destroys colon

A man by the name of Joey Chestnut marched his way down to Clearwater, Florida, to take part in the Hooters World Wing Eating Championship. He managed to win the contest by consuming 144 wings in 10 minutes.

15 minutes later, a toilet was violently assaulted.

“I have never seen anyone eat that many wings or eat that quickly,” said one Hooter’s Girl.

I don’t think anything sums up the story like that quote.

Rescuing those who aren’t in trouble

It was a harrowing scene in China’s Shandong province, as police officers worked to save a woman from a river. It took 18 police officers more than an hour to get to the woman, only to find out that it wasn’t a woman at all. It was a very realistic looking inflatable doll.

Apparently, sex toys are a major money-maker in the Shandong province. How this one got away from the factory is anyone’s guess.

You Missed It: Homewrecker edition

It’s finally time. The London Olympics are here. Of course, by now the opening ceremonies have already occurred, but we won’t see them until tonight. I have to say, the Olympics in the Internet Age really suck, unless it’s in your time zone. We love spoilers, and we love getting info up to the minute, but there’s no fun watching an event if you know the outcome. If you were busy signing on to a talent show this week, odds are you missed it.

Twi would she do that?
Twilight fans are up in arms after it was revealed that “actress” Kristen Stewart had a brief affair with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders, who is married and has two kids. Stewart apologized publicly to her boyfriend and Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out. In less important news, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is considering using chemical weapons on his own people.

Campaign stop in the Holy Land
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is flying to Israel this weekend to discuss policy issues with the country’s leadership. Romney said he was excited to see the place Jesus lived before preaching to the Indians in North America.

Have you heard the one about the shooting in Colorado?
Dane Cook, everyone’s favorite comedic punching bag, unseated Daniel Tosh as the most hated man in their profession by making jokes about the Colorado shooting less than a week after it happened. Let that be a lesson for all those who think it’s a good idea to go to a Dane Cook show.

Populating Dumpsville 101

Boston’s Public Health Commission, along with local social service agencies, have concluded their third annual Break-Up Summit for teens. The summit aims to teach local high school students the ins and outs of ending a relationship, from recognizing abuse to not using Facebook or texting to break up.

It is unclear, however, if students can earn extra credit by breaking up with their teachers.