Day: July 13, 2012

You Missed It: Zombie social media edition

On this site, we take a stand on a lot of important issues, including science. Science has done nothing for us but find new ways to hurt or kill ourselves. When they get something right, they’re quick to take all the credit, forgetting about the risk. Take the Large Hadron Collider, it took decades to build, and no one could say for certain that it wouldn’t create a black hole and end the Earth. Yet they went along with it anyway. Now they say they have found the God particle, and we all clap. Thanks for almost killing us all–again–science. If you were busy having your school’s complete disgrace laid out in a report this week, odds are you missed it.

The liking dead
Facebook may not be all it seems, and I don’t just mean the IPO. A recent study found that as many as 54 million Facebook accounts are completely fake, and just go around liking pages, padding companies’ stats, and potentially throwing off data. Sure, they might not be real people, but profiles don’t just create themselves, and they certainly don’t like things willy-nilly. The only possible explanation is that the undead have found social media. Can we just give them MySpace?

Suing over nostalgia
East and West Germany were reunited, Ghost reigned at the box office, and William Howard Taft was president–1990 seems like so long ago, doesn’t it? One record company wants to bring it back by bringing it to court. Indeed, 1990 was also the year that Madonna’s hit “Vogue” came out. VMG filed a lawsuit this week claiming that Madonna and her producer sampled a 1977 song they had no rights to. Dick Tracy could be called in as a witness if this goes to court.

Burning up the road
Colorado has been burning for weeks, thanks to heat and droughts felt by much of the country, but one fire can be blamed on a Suburu. Kristan McCann, 19, was fleeing the wildfires, drive to surprise her father in Oregon, but something went wrong. In Idaho, her Suburu clipped a Jeep and ran off the road on Interstate 84, catching fire. McCann escaped the car, but the fire ended up burning 2,000 acres. Surprise!

We like big toes and we cannot lie

Ladies, we know that the media perpetuates a certain image of feminimity to send you a message: you’re fat, ugly and need to know at least 300 more ways to “wow” us in bed before you’re lovable, too.

But, let The Guys be the first to say that, aside from counting your toes, we don’t care about your feet.* Now, let’s not get crazy here: we’re not about to suck those foot thumbs. We’ve seen commercials and know that’s where computer animated yellow monsters live. (Also, they spontaeously break out into flames without tough-actin’ Tinactin.) And no amount of surgical procedures is going to change that …

… Unless you get bigger tits. Then we might do anything you ask. But, seriously, leave those hooves alone.

*Yes, we’ve heard tales of “foot fetishists,” but those are just a modern re-imagining of shoemaking elves. Those still exist, by the way, but they go by the name “Daniel Day-Lewis” now.

We can re-bill him

Animals are a dangerous foe on their own (thanks, Mother Nature!), but like robots, they can only get deadlier the more we handle them. And if you’re going to New Zealand, beware the roboduck, creep.

A duck in Wellington, New Zealand, was found with a hole in the lower part of its beak. The Kiwis, being the insane people that they are, decided to give the duck a new friggin’ bill. Yes, in a world where you can’t get a nose job without paying a year’s rent, the doctors in the People’s Glorious Socialist Republic of New Zealand just up and gave one to a duck, who does not pay taxes.

What’s worse, now there is a duck out there with a metallic beak. It’s only a matter of time before it’s mechanized.