Day: July 18, 2012

Take it from Snee: Boy Scouts’ gay ban protects boys

I know, I know. We now live in a country where gay men and women can openly serve in the military, but gays still can’t join the Boy Scouts. To you, it makes no sense. The Boy Scouts are like the military without the threat of imminent death that made homosexuality such a hazard in combat, so what’s the big deal?

The deal is that Boy Scouts may not face threats in the form of IEDs and RPGs, but they are threatened with something just as terrible if not worse. As a former scout, I know that BSA leadership didn’t just make an arbitrary rule because gay sex is icky. It’s just, well, my Scoutmaster made me promise not to talk about it.

Fine, I’ll tell you the real reason why the Boy Scouts upheld their ban on gay scouts and leaders, but you can’t tell anyone. After all, if you can’t trust the Internet to keep a secret, who can you trust? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Boy Scouts’ gay ban protects boys

Take the flip-flops off and nobody gets hurt

The latest National Foot Health Assessment (we know you await this every year) says that “78 percent of adults 21 and over experienced one or more foot problems in their lives.” And, it’s mostly because of flip-flops. No, not from injuries resulting from politicians changing their stances. We mean flip-flops, the shoes. Sandals. Slippers. Thongs. Toesplitters. The bare minimum to meet the “shoes” requirement for service.

Experts on feet and flip-flops are divided on this health issue. Podiatrists point to flip-flops having no arch or heel support, toe coverage, consistent flex-points, which leads to injuries. Flip-flop sellers, however, point out that these are all sacrifices made to feeling footloose and fancy-free (even in dress sandals). They both agree, however, that they should never be worn with socks.

What the article fails to mention are how many people are assaulted every year with “accidentally” kicked-off flip-flops, particularly from off-duty drum majors and Deion Sanders. Clench those toes, people, or put on a pair of Crocs like the trash you are.

A brutal regime right here within our borders

If the Palins have taught us anything, it’s that Alaskans need to carry guns on them at all times, because whether it’s Russians or animals, the enemy is everywhere. We’re organizing an expeditionary force to liberate one town, that has been under an oppressive boot for over a decade. The town is ruled by a cat.

Talkeetna is a scant 75 miles north of Anchorage, which in Alaskan terms makes it a suburb. And for the past 15 years, it has been under the control of Stubbs the cat, the “elected” mayor (as if those elections were anything but faked) is reportedly popular with Talkeetna citizens, but this is no doubt because of the brutal violence with which the Stubbs regime crushes unrest.

Like all dictators, Stubbs has a major flaw–he has no tail. That’s his weakness. If we can get to this cat, we can easily knock him off balance and topple him from power. Gentlemen, it’s time to rescue those poor Alaskans.