Day: July 20, 2012

You Missed It: Those places still exist edition

You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t care much today. We had burritos catered for lunch in the office today, so I checked out mentally about then. When you have a burrito, well that’s the high point of your day. The low point, of course, comes several hours later on the can. If you were busy becoming the new CEO of Yahoo, odds are you missed it.

We’ll play if off as a prank
Comedian Fred Willard did something we all thought was impossible in the Internet Age: he was arrested for allegedly masturbating in an adult movie theater. At this point, Willard is denying that the incident happened at all, which makes sense, because Los Angeles cops are always going after elderly actors for being rich. If this ends up being some method acting for Anchorman 2, perhaps I was wrong about that movie.

Still no tolerance badge
This week, Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its policy of not allowing any “open or avowed” gay people to be scout masters, in an effort to defend America. So remember, gay people, if you want to be part of a regimented, mostly-male group with uniforms that love accessories, go join the liberal bastion known as the U.S. military.

Drinking for two
According to the Centers for Disease Control, 1 in 13 pregnant women drink, and some binge drink. Officials reminded the public that consuming alcohol while pregnant can hinder the baby’s brain development, but on the other hand, it makes being pregnant way more tolerable.

Gen X to global warming: ‘meh’

In a follow-up to a 2009 survey that revealed most American Gen X-ers are ambivalent at best to climate change, even more don’t care two years later. The age group that, for the purposes of this research, were born between 1961 and 1981 don’t know much about climate change and aren’t concerned about it, either.

Even as temperatures rise and new records are set this summer, survey respondents across the board answered, “Pfft, really? You probably weren’t around for the Reagan years, but I was, and this is nothing. And, there was this one summer, like, in 1994? Days don’t get hot like that anymore.”

Whales are people, too

What is a person? Can any of us really know? Like, what if people aren’t just people, what if, like, animals are people, man? Like, corporations are people, so why not them, man?

It’s here. It’s finally here. The legal battle over what constitutes a person from an animal (you know, aside from the fact that we rule the world and they don’t), has arrived. Alleged scientific studies argue that whales and dolphins are very intelligent, and therefor should be granted the same rights as us humans.

Nice try, Flipper! You can have a say when you get a job and register to vote.