You Missed It: The chairman edition

It’s Labor Day weekend. What the hell are you doing reading this? I’m not saying stop, just curious as to why you aren’t out of your office and on your way to some party or trip for the long weekend. It’s OK, I’ll be your friend for the next few minutes while you read this. If you were busy getting pumped for the blue moon this week, odds are you missed it.

I see him, too!
This week, the Republican National Convention gathered in Tampa, Florida, which happened to get hit by a storm. On the final night of the convention, Clint Eastwood, of all people, was invited to speak and give his tough-guy-cut-the-crap-we-can-fix-this speech. Unfortunately, he instead walked out on stage with his hair messed up and a mangy look in his eye. The then proceeded to interview a chair for over 10 minutes, saying there was an invisible President Barack Obama sitting there, all the while doing his best Bob Newhart impression.

Sequels are never as good
Hurricane Isaac hit the Gulf Coast, including New Orleans, on Tuesday, the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Naturally, the national media made Isaac, a Category 1 storm, sound like the second-coming of the deadliest and most expensive storm in American history, which was a Category 3 when it his the Big Easy. Isaac was actually more like a house arrest. Streets flooded, power went out, and really, that’s about it. We didn’t even get any good shots of Al Roker falling down.

Crap first, ask questions later
But before the convention, Mitt Romney made a campaign stop in Indianapolis. At some point during that trip a Secret Service agent assigned to protect the presumptive Republican presidential candidate left his firearm in the airplane bathroom. This is against FAA regulations, if you listen to the safety thing the attendants say. It got worse when the gun was found by a reporter traveling with the campaign. At least it didn’t fall into the wrong hands.

It’s not the size of the glass, it’s the motion of the potion

As we leave you for a three day weekend, we take a look at the sport of boozing. New research in the field (or “bar”) indicates that people drink beer faster when served in a high-falutin’ curved glass than from traditional pint glass. The drinkers finished curvy beers five minutes faster, taking up to 12 minutes to consume their plain-jane drafts.

The brave beer scientists believe it’s not physics at play here, but a matter of human psychology or, more to the point, perception.

Your average drinker measures their progress in degrees, like “half-empty” or “half-full.” They then use this halfway marker to determine whether they are drinking too fast or too slow. But, with a curvy glass, the midway point becomes hazy, just like the drinker himself. Unable to determine how much beer is “half,” they are no longer able to moderate their drinking and finish, on average, in seven minutes instead of 12.

To avoid falling victim to this sensation, the Guys suggest thinking of your beer as neither half-empty nor half-full, but as a wasted opportunity for another full glass.

Can’t take the heat? Get out of the garden

For those with taste buds that range on the mild side, this will not be good news for you.

There’s a drought that’s been affecting the Midwest of the country, also known as the part of the country that produces the vast majority of produce for us. That’s bad. BUT! There’s one bit of good news to come out of it. At least, if you’re a masochist.

Thanks to the longer, hotter days, peppers are producing more capsaicin than they usually would. As such, we’re now getting hotter peppers. Ones turn into threes. Threes turn into fives. Nines turn into sixteens (I never was very good at math). It’s a veritable golden age for those that prefer to not be able to feel their tongue!

Nothing golden tan sprayed can stay

All the great shows of our time have eventually had to have an end. “LOST” lasted six seasons, “Seinfeld” went for nine, and now, “Jersey Shore” will have its end in it’s sixth season.

We’ll always remember you guys for the fist pumps, the GTL, and of course the numerous amounts of STDs they’ve spread up and down the east coast, Las Vegas and who could forget Italy?

He finally got a piece of braaaaaaains

Sherman Hemsley died over a month ago–but did he stay that way?

It was July 24 when the famous actor departed the Earth. His passing was mourned across the nation, nay, across the world. It was time to celebrate the life of a seminal actor of the 1970s and an African-American icon. Yet here it is, over a month later, and Hemsley’s body has yet to be buried.

The mainstream media will tell you that there is a squabble in the courts over who is the rightful heir to his estate, but that’s only if you’re willing to believe the lie.

Why hasn’t Hemsley been buried? Because they can’t find the body. Right now, George Jefferson is shambling the streets of El Paso, Texas, where he died, with an insatiable thirst for human flesh. It’s time the lid was blown off this story, folks: Sherman Hemsley is a zombie.

The high cost of sex

Fornication is not free. When two people fornicate, the price will be high as there is always a cost. The better, the higher the price. The worse, the even higher the price. The freer, the highest of prices.

And, the louder, the higher. To the tune of roughly 4 grand in Australian funny money. Also, the male partner in the pairing will probably throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice.

“It is mostly Jessie,” [Colin MacKenzie] said.

“Hey baby, don’t be mad, it’s a … uh … compliment. Yeah, that’s it. A compliment!”

My car runs on IPA

Oregon is well-known in beer circles as one of the best places in the country for microbrews. Don’t believe it?

A gas station in Bend, Oregon now has 30 different microbrews on tap, so you can fill up your growler while you fill up your tank. They even sell a smaller container called a “growlette,” no doubt so you can fit it into your drink holder and sample it on your way home.

There is no way anything bad could happen from this plan.

Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

In 2008, NASA beamed a recording of The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into space. Four years, a severely cut budget and no response later, they’ve taken a new tack: assaulting Mars with And make no mistake: a sonic bombardment of auto-tuned Black-Eyed Pea is just that, an assault, perhaps meant to drive lifeforms out of hiding so they’ll try to turn the stereo off. Or even just pound on the ceilings of their subterranean lairs with a broom handle. Any reaction that gives them away will do, really.

So, how did we arrive at this point, where America’s space agency has mohawks and Mars rovers with twitter accounts? With the end of manned space missions, NASA has embraced a new goal: cultural relevancy.

You can’t blame them. When 46 percent — nearly half — of Americans believe in strictly creationism and a sitting member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology doesn’t know how rape works (and yet has an opinion about it), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that nobody cares about space exploration unless we find God a la Star Trek V.

Good for you, NASA. You cracked the code to making the news cycles and, maybe one day, more money. But, where do you go from here? I’m glad you asked …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

Tyler Perry’s Madea Gets Trapped In a Fire

Atlanta is burning once more.

Tyler Perry Studios, the home base of the titular man’s work, caught fire late Monday.

Again. That’s right, it’s not the first time a fire broke out in the studios.

Luckily, no one was hurt, but the real crime that happened was more damage to the work of Tyler Perry. Because that’s … because … it’s just … it’s just so … bad.