Day: August 28, 2012

Eat My Sports: Hitting the reset button

Last week I was very bitter. If you recall, I spent roughly 300 words griping about how Theo Epstein had royally screwed over the Red Sox with these outlandish contracts that were going to strap the Sox from making any reasonable moves for the next six years.

Enter the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles.

The group that is partially owned by Magic Johnson took on $262.5 million worth of salaries that the Red Sox could not get anyone else to take on. Essentially the team said “OK, Magic, here’s the deal, you want Adrian Gonzalez, you can have him, buuuuuuuuuuut, you’re gonna have to pay Josh Beckett $15 million for winning all of six games in the past year, as well as Carl Crawford who has the most laughable contract in sports, and oh, by the way he just underwent Tommy John surgery.” Continue reading Eat My Sports: Hitting the reset button

You must be this bipedal to gamble

We don’t like animals. We certainly don’t like animals when they threaten the lives of citizens around the world. And let me tell you what: we definitely don’t like animals that think they’re allowed to gamble.

Not just with the lives of human beings, but with legal tender.

A two year old cougar walked into a Reno casino this past weekend. Worst still, it’s being speculated that the felonious feline didn’t enter the gambling hall in order to gamble, but to play the slots. And kids, we ain’t talking about the machines.

Like the ungrateful creature that he was, the cat was ready to go and attack, even when he was released back into the wild. Blaming the merciful when you screw up? Poor taste indeed, cougar.

Sasquashed

When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

One man’s garbage …

There are a lot of hobbies out there, and a great deal of them aren’t even close to being sexy, among those you can count “garbage enthusiast.”

In Sweden, police are looking for a man who really, really likes trash. He likes it so much that he hides in Dumpsters and films garbage men working. This, apparently, is a crime over there.

“Sometimes he hangs on at the back of the truck, without the driver’s knowledge. Sometimes he climbs up on the roof of the vehicle,” said a police spokesman.