Month: August 2012

College graduates, apply today!

Do you hate your job because of your coworkers? Then why not apply for a new job, a better job with lots of outdoor hours and where you can kill the people you work with?

Sri Lanka is looking for a well hung man new hangman after allowing one to retire — presumably to spend more time hanging out with his family — and promoting another one up to … firing squad captain? (Male applicants only, please. “Hangperson” just sounds stupid.)

And the best part? The country hasn’t executed a convict since 1976. But, don’t fire up that game of Minesweeper just yet: they’re looking to change that, with 480 potential clients already lined up. So, that’s good noose if you’ve been recently laid off.

Some mailman has a new decoration

Times are tough. We’re all looking for ways to spend less, yet not actually have to have less. Businesses are feeling the same thing, even the art galleries.

Trying to save on courier and insurance costs, an art gallery shipped a Rembrandt painting that it ordered from an art dealer through the mail. And then, almost as if it was the opening of a 1980s light-hearted cop movie, the painting somehow went missing. It’s worth nearly $10,000, but the mail service is offering about $170 in compensation. No doubt they are as short on cash as our own mail service.

Now, it’s time for the art gallery to hire an ex-cop from America who has a reputation for playing by his own rules and being able to talk his way out of anything to be sent to a strange land where he doesn’t speak the language, and the laws are very different. Somehow he’ll stumble through it all to uncover a Norwegian crime syndicate and save the day. Coming this fall: Fast and Oslo.

Eat My Sports: Hitting the reset button

Last week I was very bitter. If you recall, I spent roughly 300 words griping about how Theo Epstein had royally screwed over the Red Sox with these outlandish contracts that were going to strap the Sox from making any reasonable moves for the next six years.

Enter the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles.

The group that is partially owned by Magic Johnson took on $262.5 million worth of salaries that the Red Sox could not get anyone else to take on. Essentially the team said “OK, Magic, here’s the deal, you want Adrian Gonzalez, you can have him, buuuuuuuuuuut, you’re gonna have to pay Josh Beckett $15 million for winning all of six games in the past year, as well as Carl Crawford who has the most laughable contract in sports, and oh, by the way he just underwent Tommy John surgery.” Continue reading Eat My Sports: Hitting the reset button

You must be this bipedal to gamble

We don’t like animals. We certainly don’t like animals when they threaten the lives of citizens around the world. And let me tell you what: we definitely don’t like animals that think they’re allowed to gamble.

Not just with the lives of human beings, but with legal tender.

A two year old cougar walked into a Reno casino this past weekend. Worst still, it’s being speculated that the felonious feline didn’t enter the gambling hall in order to gamble, but to play the slots. And kids, we ain’t talking about the machines.

Like the ungrateful creature that he was, the cat was ready to go and attack, even when he was released back into the wild. Blaming the merciful when you screw up? Poor taste indeed, cougar.

Sasquashed

When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

One man’s garbage …

There are a lot of hobbies out there, and a great deal of them aren’t even close to being sexy, among those you can count “garbage enthusiast.”

In Sweden, police are looking for a man who really, really likes trash. He likes it so much that he hides in Dumpsters and films garbage men working. This, apparently, is a crime over there.

“Sometimes he hangs on at the back of the truck, without the driver’s knowledge. Sometimes he climbs up on the roof of the vehicle,” said a police spokesman.

A controversial license plate? Shocking!

IB6UB9.

This is license plate that Robert Anaya is not allowed to have any longer in the state of New Mexico. The state’s DMV has issued him a notice, citing that the plate is obscene and is being revoked. This will not stand for Anaya, who feels that an inside joke — not an obscene sexual reference — from a friend at a casino has turned into an issue of the government taking away our constitutional rights.

Maybe it’s because of the early time of writing this post, but the Guys keep looking at the plate and we just don’t get it. It’s …

…

……. oh. Ohhhhhhh. Gotcha.

Foreskin and seven beers ago …

The male cricumcision debate rages on in the Western world with advocates on both sides claiming a list of benefits from having a either a turtle- or crew-necked penis. (The Guys prefer a V-cut, ourselves.) And now, the American Academy of Pediactrics have weighed in … sort of.

The AAP — which is not to be confused with the American Academy of Pediatricians, a collection of right-wing lunatics with medical degrees and an unhealthy fascination with gay kids — has concluded that, yes, there are health benefits to circumcising your baby boy and that those benefits outweigh the risks of the procedure. (They did not, however, acknowledge our dissertation on there being more than one way to skin a penis.)

Just to be clear: the AAP isn’t saying that circumcised is better than not circumcised, just that it’s not as medically dangerous as opponents claim. And so ultimately, the decision as to which is better rests in the hands of the only qualified judges: straight women and gay men.

Olympian finally takes first — with booze

The Olympics are over (but don’t tell Prince Harry and Ryan Lochte that), and our athletes have returned home. But for some Olympians, the dream isn’t over.

Nick Symmonds proudly represented the U.S. in men’s 800-meter run, but in the final race he took fifth, falling well short of his hopes. Now, in order to win back his pride, he has set a new American record in the beer mile. This, of course, is the Olympic event where you chug a beer, run a mile, chug a beer and repeat until you get sick.

Next up, the world record. U-S-A! U-S-A!

You Missed It: Peace at last edition

The British royal family is known for being rather prim and proper, even at the Olympics, none of them seemed very excited or even human. Luckily Price Harry changed that this week, partying in Las Vegas, at one point challenging Ryan Lochte to a race in a hotel pool, and playing strip billiard with some ladies. I want to party with that man. If you were storming toward the Republican national convention this week, odds are you missed it.

Brit vs. Fake-Brit
A few weeks ago, the elder paparazzi world shook when Elton John said that Madonna looked like a fairground stripper. Apparently this is part of some ongoing feud that no one really cares about. At a recent concert in France, Madonna said that she forgave Sir Elton. But the question still remains: Where can I find these fairs with strippers (as long as they’re not 53)?

Boobs are people, too
It’s no secret that women have a lot of rights to defend these days, which lawmakers discussing “legitimate rape” and all. But more important that sexual assault is the right to bare one’s breasts, and on Sunday, women across the country will be standing up for their most sacred right. Rallies are planned in several major cities, including New York and Washington, D.C., to help spread awareness that if men can walk around without a shirt on, women can, too. If you plan on attending a rally, checkout GoTopless.org (NSFW), and make sure you send The Guys pictures on Monday.

Man bites snake
A farmer in Nepal was tending his rice paddy this week when a cobra came along and bit him. It was dark, so the farmer didn’t know what had bitten him. He got a flashlight, came back, and saw that his assailant was in fact a cobra. To show the snake whose bite is deadlier, the farmer grabbed the snake and bit it until it died. Only then did the man go to the hospital.