Month: September 2012

You Missed It: Return of the zebra edition

Apparently today is Drink A Beer Day, or as we call it around here, “Friday.” This is the first I’ve ever heard of this holiday, but I like it. It’s simple and to the point. Its name even tells you how to celebrate. I’m going to guess that all you do is buy a beer and a card and mail them both to your Drink A Beerentine with a note that says you love them as much as beer, then you drink the beer. Correct? If you were busy fasting for Mitt Romney this week, odds are you missed it.

Back in stripes
The NFL and the referees’ union came to an agreement this week in time for Thursday’s game. The need for real refs was highlighted during the Monday night game, where a bad call led to the Seattle Seahawks walking away with a victory over the Green Bay Packers and a growing outrage among coaches, players and fans. The news is best for the Lingerie Football League, which will finally get back its officiating crews.

Confirmed bachelor
Recently a gospel of Jesus written in the second century came to light. It was only a fragment, and mentions that Jesus had a wife who could be his disciple. This week, an editorial in a Vatican newspaper said that the texts are probably fake. The forgery argument centered around the line, “He gathered His disciples and said, ‘What do you guys think about that Honey Boo Boo show?'”

There’s a new element in town
Japanese scientists created a new element this week, one that has 113 protons. It’s temporarily called “ununtrium,” meaning “one-one-three.” It is only a matter of time before they figure out a way to incorporate it into their robot-armor-schoolgirl-outfit-wearing cartoons.

Oh, Canada / Who knew that you are governed?

In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?

And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.

Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”

The beer that grows on faces

Beer is a good thing, it’s one of The Guys’ favorite things in this terrible world of ours. But we like when our beer comes traditional places, like a lab.

Recently, Rogue Ales was searching for a new strain of yeast to create a new brew, and the company searched everywhere. Brewmaster John Maier found that it was right under his nose. Lab guys took nine hairs from his beard and found that there was indeed a new strain they could use.

They are testing it out now, but you can get beard beer early next year, look for Rogue Ales’ “New Crustacean.”

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Jiro Dreams of Sushi’

Is it possible to create something so pure in its simplicity that it disappears?

It wasn’t until I heard several people gush about this film on various podcasts here and there that I became interested in checking it out. However, Jiro Dreams of Sushi has garnered such a strong positive reaction from friends and critics that it would be silly of my not to at least give it a shot.

I’m so very glad I finally got a chance to do so. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Jiro Dreams of Sushi’

Graphic image ads being run by congressional candidate, include picture of his face

If the sensational television series Justified has taught us anything, it’s that Kentucky runs a little bit more differently than everyone else.

Apparently their political ads are no different.

An independent candidate running for Congress, Andrew Beacham, is running ads depicting pictures of dismembered fetuses and the bodies of dead people, condemning President Obama while promoting his own electoral run. Beacham claims that the main focus of the ads isn’t primarily to elect him, but to shock viewers into voting and ending Obama’s run as president. Despite this cunning plan, people seem to be more upset about the images in the ad.

Personally, I’d think the cowboy-hippy mystique that Beacham’s own mug brings about, as seen in the ads, might be more shocking than anything else.

The finger-eating fishes of Idaho

Fish eat different things. Some eat algae, some eat other fishes’ crap and some just eat other fish. In Idaho, one fisherman caught a trout that loves finger food–specifically, human fingers.

A fisherman recently found a human finger in the belly of a trout, and amazingly, investigator were able to find its owner. The man’s name Haans Galassi, and he lost all of the fingers on his left hand in a wakeboarding accident. Yes, the man who lost his fingers is named Haans. Don’t laugh, you insensitive bastards!

Galassi said he didn’t want the finger back, losing them while he adjusted the rope towing him had been trauma enough. So be vigilant, warriors, the fish are out there, and they now have a taste for human flesh.

Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

When British General Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington, his drum and fife corps played “The World Turn’d Upside Down.”

History is full of opposite days. So much so, in fact, that I spent every day between kindergarten and today practicing for one. Especially when caught in a childhood gaffe, like accidentally admitting to watching David the Gnome every day. “What? No! I was kidding! It’ s Opposite Day. Or is it?”

Reading the news today, it’s either Opposite Day, or I drove through a dimensional detour on my way to work. After all, there are certain truths that will always be true, right? Truths like …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

Alligators: the newest pool-time fun buddy

Hey there parents! Got a party for that bratty kid coming up, but have no idea what to do? Need to top your next door neighbors with showing your kids just how much you faux-love them? Do you live near Kenneth City, Florida?

Then, buddy, do we have the solution for you.

Normal parties are so lame. It’s time for the new hotness: an alligator in your pool! That’s right, for what’s surely a (small, nominal) fee, Bob Barrett, owner of Alligator Attractions, will bring his alligator, Burger, to entertain the kids in your pool. Oh, no worries, as the alligator will have its mouth sealed up.

Nothing to worry about there. Except for the unmentioned claws of the reptile. And the gator poop. OH, THE GATOR POOP!

‘So long, and thanks for all the fish hooks’

Everyone loves the king of the sea, and Beggar was the sea’s Henry VIII. But now the king is dead. (Long live the king!)

Beggar, a dolphin famous for begging for food from boaters in Florida, has died of cheeseburger-related illness. That’s according to biologists who found fish hooks, squid beaks (which are not part of a dolphin’s daily balanced breakfast) and ulcers in his partially-decomposed belly. Beggar was also dehydrated, which, for living underwater is nearly impossible unless fed a highly salty, bacon-wrapped diet.

So, well done, animal warriors. Your efforts have demonstrated that the second quickest way to stopping a dolphin’s heart is through his stomach.