Day: September 6, 2012

Just wait until they hear about furries

One Million Moms, the support group for people who only want moms to be women, has found a new target to focus their seething and volatile rage upon: Skittles.

No, it’s not focused upon the grape flavored Skittles. No, it’s not focused upon the candy’s theory of tasting the rainbow. No, it’s not focused upon those horrible chocolate Skittles they released a couple years ago (though it should be, that’s how bad they were).

It’s focused upon a Skittles commercial that sees a woman kissing a CGI/animatronic walrus. While not only odd, the commercial also shows a blatant and overt campaign for bestiality.

Does Skittles’ have our children’s best interest in mind? Skittles candies are for all ages, but their target market is children… Skittles Marketing Team may have thought this was humorous, but not only is it disgusting, it is taking lightly the act of bestiality.

We’re going to take a wild guess here, but unless the Skittles marketing team consists of a bunch of mountain men that copulate with goats, I think it might be safe to say that bestiality is still considered a no-no at the company. Unless they’re all for sea bestiality.

And “sea bestiality” sounds like someone fornicating with a giant flippered monster.

Warm face, lubricated heart

Greek researchers have devised a new method for identifying drunks: thermal scanning their faces.

Every drinker has 20 points on their face that warm up when booze is consumed, and the more you drink, the more those spots heat up. And, of those spots, certain ones heat up more than others, indicating just how many sheets you’ve hoisted into the wind. Your nose, for example, gets considerably warmer than your forehead once you begin to tie one on in earnest.

So, if you’re looking to elude capture in the future, Space Drinkers, you’ll just have to cut off your head. Hopefully, medical science will allow that; otherwise, you can only do it once.

The animals’ germ warfare attack continues

Did you survive Labor Day weekend? If you’re reading this, odds are you should answer “yes.” While we were all celebrating this summer, the animals were hard at work terrorizing us, especially with germ warfare.

If you visited Yosemite National Park, congratulations, you may have contracted a deadline respiratory disease called hantavirus. This week, the U.S. warned countries around the world of a possible hantavirus outbreak, because some of the permanent tents at Yosemite mice infected with the disease, and up to 10,000 people were at risk.

Mel Gibson tried to warn us about beavers, but because he had also tried to warn us about the Jews, no one listened. But it turns out he may have been right (about the beavers, not the Jews). An 83-year-old woman was swimming in a Virginia lake when she was attacked by a rabid beaver. Luckily the woman is being treated and will make a full recovery. Even better, the beaver was dealt swift justice by authorities.