Mt. Fuji to erupt, possibly throw salt in the eyes of Bret Hart

Oh, whoops, we got our T’s and R’s confused. Well, nonetheless, the mountain named Gregor Clegane Fuji is close to erupting. So, those planning on traveling to Japan, you might want to speed up those plans. But don’t worry, scientists and vulcanologists (the mortal enemy of Tony Kornheiser) are pretty optimistic about everything:

Japanese scientists are warning that the country’s famed Mount Fuji could be on the verge of a catastrophic eruption. Volcanologist have discovered that the pressure in the volcano’s magma chamber is higher than it was the last time Fuji erupted in 1707. The pressure is measured in megapascals, and researchers say recent readings show the chamber hitting a level of 1.6; pressure readings of 0.1 megapascals are enough to trigger an eruption. Scientists say the March 2011 earthquake that caused a massive tsunami has been one factor in putting increased pressure on the chamber. Government estimates say an eruption could result in more than 300,000 deaths as well as cause up to $30 billion in damage.

Nnnnnnnh. Eeep.

The most dangerous dame

When it comes to Emma Watson and the Internet, no good has ever come of it. Before she turned 18, her image launched a thousand Chris Hanson and Pedobear memes. Then, when the Harry Potter movies were nearly over, she nearly broke the Internet by considering doing nude scenes aloud. And now, Emma Watson will give your computer JPEGorrhea.

Miss Watson, to those who are very respectful or merely nasty, has dethroned Heidi Klum as 2012’s most dangerous celebrity to search online. Computer security technology company, McAfee warns that “fans who query ‘Emma Watson and nude pictures’ or ‘Emma Watson and busted’ run a 1-in-8 chance of landing on a site that has tested positive for viruses and other malicious software.”

Miss Klum, who did not even make the Top 10 this year, will surrender her tiara and sash to Watson in the official ceremony, which takes place Wednesday at 7 pm EST in a file that will melt your hard drive and send political rants to all of your Facebook friends.

Congratulations! You get to name what kills off humanity

In Deep Impact it was called Wolf-Biederman. In Seeking a Friend for the End of the World it was called Matilda. In Armageddon it didn’t have a name. Now NASA agrees that if an asteroid is going to kill us all, we’d better give it a bitchin’ name, especially since we can no longer count on Michael Clarke Duncan to save us.

NASA is calling for students around the world to help name an asteroid that could hit us in 2182. The celestial body is currently known as asteroid 1999 RQ36, which is catchy, but sounds too much like a robot that a young Anakin “Yippee” Skywalker would build. So it’s up to you, students around the world.

But judging by how these naming contests usually go, it’s probably just going to be named Stephen Colbert.