Day: September 13, 2012

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Matchstick Men’

Ridley Scott is probably best known as a director who delivers big epic action movies (Alien and Prometheus, to name a couple), dipping into the sweeping vistas of outer space and history with stunning visuals and gritty excitement. But with Matchstick Men, he reminded everyone that he’s just as good delivering something a little bit more low key.

It is: (1) the story of a crisis in the life of a man crippled by neurotic obsessions; (2) the story of two con men who happen onto a big score, and (3) the story of a man who meets the teenage daughter he never knew he had, and finds himself trying to care for her. The hero of all three stories is Roy (Nicolas Cage), who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, panic attacks, you name it. His con-man partner is Frank (Sam Rockwell). His daughter is Angela (Alison Lohman), and Roy is so fearful that when he decides to contact her, he persuades his shrink to make the phone call.

I wish that you had seen the movie so we could discuss what a sublime job it does of doing full justice to all three of these stories, which add up to more, or perhaps less, than the sum of their parts. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Matchstick Men’

In Czech Republic, booze drinks you dead

Booze is a delightful invention that we at SG will always lust for. But it’s not all fun and games with booze.

Sometimes booze injures people. Sometimes booze excites people in the wrong way. Sometimes booze blinds people more than booze goggles can do. Sometimes booze kills people.

But usually, booze kills people when its origin is uncertain. WHICH IS INSANE THAT SOMEONE WOULD NOT KNOW WHERE THEIR BOOZE COMES FROM. People, do your research. Know where your booze comes. Know what it consists of. The difference could be a matter between vodka and anti-freeze.

Oops! I can’t handle my booze again

Britney Spears, who we think doesn’t know what Red Buill tastes like without vodka, has banned booze from the backstage of Simon Cowell’s show “The X Factor.”

Which really, all of this defeats the purpose of the show because you need booze for any of the following:
A. Watching “The X Factor”
B. Listening to Cowell or Spears
C. Reading an online article about how you need booze for any of the following:

Blasphanimals! Repent your hairesy!

The War on Animals has always been contentious. But, animals have crossed a line and turned this into a holy war. We cannot stress this enough: animals have attacked Jesus.

A newly discovered — by white people, anyway — monkey species has the unmitigated gall to impersonate Jesus Henry Christ de Nazareth. Dubbed the “Lesula,” he lives in the Congo and somehow still knew what Jesus looks like before that lady helpfully restored that fresco in Spain.

But, that’s not all: snakes are mocking the virgin birth! Researchers caught female copperhead pit vipers in the U.S. proving immaculate conception “ain’t no thang,” performing the miracle almost at will. The offspring’s DNA is composed entirely of the mother’s genetics … which means snakes want us to believe God is a snake. Or some dude who impregnates snakes. Either way, it’s time to storm the Herpetology Consulate at your local zoo!

Today’s in-flight meal: Honey

India is no stranger to the War on Animals, what with the monkeys taking over major cities and all. But there is only so much that a country can prepare for, and on Monday, the unexpected happened.

Bees hijacked three different planes out of Kolkata. They didn’t hijack in the traditional sense, they just flew around the cabin and cargo hold, before the planes even took off. Some attacks were made before planes had left the gate, while others were hit as they taxied to the runway.

Folks, this is why we need to be able to bring aerosol cans on flights again.