The McBournie Minute: The cure for political fever

For months, a epidemic has been sweeping across the country. It’s all you see on television, it’s all you read about online. It’s everywhere you go, and some people have it worse than others. What is this terrible disease? Electionitis.

Chances are you know someone with electionitis. It affects men and women of all ages and races, but luckily, it’s been held within U.S. borders. The stricken are easily identified by wearing T-shirts or pins supporting their favorite candidate, even their cars are decked out in the logos of their campaign of choice. Those who have the worst cases seem to be able to steer every conversation into What’s Wrong With America These Days, a leading cause of electionitis.

Let’s walk through some of the basic facts about this illness, to make sure you and your loved ones avoid infection.

How is it spread?
Electionitis has evolved over time. Once, before we knew about hygiene, the disease was transmitted through broadsheets, which later became newspapers and pamphlets. (Can you believe that people actually read political opinions written on dead trees?) Today, the virus has become airborne. We are exposed to it through radio talk shows, cable news networks and pundit blogs. It’s brought to us through things like “air wave transmissions” and “WiFi,” and sometimes it’s just piped straight into our homes through cables or beams from satellites. Now this may sound scary, but it’s important to know that most cases of electionitis come from person-to-person contact, usually through conversation.

What are the symptoms?
Electionitis can be identified by, but not limited to:

  • Posting political messages on social media.
  • Writing angry letters to the editor.
  • Sign holding.
  • Associating only with like-minded individuals.
  • Seeing those who don’t agree as “stupid,” “the enemy” or even “a threat to American society.”
  • Problems urinating.

How can I avoid it?
A simple approach is to avoid TV, radio and the Internet, as well as interaction with one’s peers, but this option is typically unsuitable for most. The best bet is to keep an open mind at all times, and remember that your points of view on the issues are only that, they are not facts. It’s acceptable to discuss politics, but only as long as you follow the following three steps: Listen to someone’s opinion, express your own, shut the hell up.

You may be invited or tempted to attend a political rally. Don’t give in. These are highly-dangerous situations, and a leading cause for the worst cases of electionitis. Carriers fly or travel by bus from city to city across the country, expressing their opinions into microphones, and then explaining why their opponent is wrong, all to the applause of the infected. Before long, you end up like this guy, peeing over the shoulder of the president.

Help us beat this disease.