Day: September 19, 2012

Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Ahoy, mateys! Ship’s surgeon Dr. Snee here, reportin’ fer duty! Yarrrrr!

To celebrate Talk like a Pirate Day, I’ll be answering yer medical queries concerning all things piratical in nature. And, if ye be needin’ a second opinion, then I’ve trained me helper pigeon, Nurse Polly, to repeat everything I just said, plus several pirate insults because yer a mutinous cockswain!

Weigh anchor and hit the jump, me hearties! I promise not to let the crew cast ye into Davy Jones Locker until the cook gets yer best parts in the stew.  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Zombies versus Jack Bauer

Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).

I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).

On Halloween, HALO will be taking on zombies. And it will not be a drill.

Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.

Jesus may have gotten booty, put a ring on it

In keepin’ with today’s Talk Like A Pirate celebration, ye might be thinkin’ that Jesus isn’t what you call “piratical.” But, he drank, hanged out on fishing boats and healed cripples, albeit it not with pegs and hooks.

So, with his pirate credentials smartly established, let’s look at his wife.

What vexes ye? Oh, ye didn’t know about Jesus’ wife? That’s because some university researchers just discoverrred an Egyptian text that makes reference to her. Feast yer deadlights on our Coptic copy right here:

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take the parable of my wife … please! Ha ha, just kidding, but seriously …'”

If it’s true and Jesus was married, then one thing’s fer certain: there be a ton of priests smacking their foreheads this morn’, wonderin’ why they’ve been buggering lads the whole time.

Say t’isn’t so, Tom!

Good day to ye. If ye don’t know already, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, the finest day o’ the year! To celebrate, we pirates will be postin’ in our native tongue. Avast!

Accordin’ to the tales of one old public relations scallywag, the tradition o’ ladies throwin’ their pantaloons and key to their hotel rooms at Tom Jones durin’ concerts began because the wenches were paid to do it. Jones, a relative of Davy Jones, who keeps his locker at the bottom of the sea, never knew o’ the stunt, Jay Bernstein writes in his memoirStarmaker.

But befer ye knew it, wenches would be throwin’ ’em fer free the minute ol’ Tom started singin’ his shanties.