This is the tale of poseur Jack Sparrow

This one reached the news wires a bit too late for Talk Like a Pirate Day, but you know us, we’ll write about it anyway.

In England, of all places, a woman, from what we understand through British-American translation, stole a passenger ferry boat after drinking for a couple days and taking some hallucinogenic drugs. Well, really she happened to untie the boat and happened to be on it as it drifted out on to the River Dart, which is named after the Dodge compact car.

When the police found her and chased her down river for over an hour, she shouted at them, “I’m Jack Sparrow!” We know this not to be true, because she’s a woman, and the real Jack would never introduce himself without the title of captain. The impostor was arrested after the boat struck some other boats, one of which called the Force Majeure, which, loosely translated into American means “Act of God.”