Day: September 25, 2012

Eat My Sports: Referendum

No doubt, unless you live literallly underneath a rock, you’ve heard of the blown call heard around the world from the place where the Seattle Seachickens reside. And before we blow up and make this about the refs, take a deep breath and realize that none of this is their fault.

These guys were put in a no win situaion because Roger Goodell is managing the league like a megalomaniac, but if Monday night’s tainted win will accomplish anything, we know now that the real refs, albeit, temporarily, hold the upper hand on the negotiating front. So the refs better act fast. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Referendum

Nuts to longer life

We know how much you ladies love a man with big, luxurious balls, but did you ever consider that your shallowness is killing us?

Researchers studying eunuchs in the Chosun Dynasty — the era of Korean royalty spanning from 1392 to 1910 — found that castrated men lived on average to 70, which was 14 to 19 years longer than their swingin’ peers. Even the kings they served lived to only an average age of 47. Even in comparison to today’s males, three out of the 81 eunuchs survived to 100, which is 130 times more likely even with modern testicular medicine and grooming habits.

So, we finally figured out why married men live longer than single ones. (BOOM! Comedy nuke!)

Time to bust some puffs

Late last week, some mysterious crop circles appeared in Japan. And by Japan, I mean underwater crop circles off the coast of Japan. WoooOOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo. Does this mean that deep in the dark waters, aliens visited and made elaborate patterns as signals for target strike zones? Were they created by some Lovecraftian monstrosity?

Nope. Turns out it was just a male pufferfish.

A Japanese television film crew discovered that a single, solitary pufferfish created the entire design. All in the hopes of getting laid. Presumably. You see, our scientists tell us that reason, but how do we know that it’s not actually a signal from the pufferfish to their animal brethren to commit a horrible atrocity? We just can’t trust them. The safest and most reasonable course of action is to eliminate those beasts and with haste.

Crocodiles on a plane

We’ve kept you abreast of the very real threat faced by our airlines today. We’ve covered attacks by mice, cats, bats, bees and even penguins, but luckily, all of these animals are small and the threat posed is minimal. In Australia, mankind’s luck just ran out.

Recently, on a flight Brisbane to Melbourne, a ruthless crocodile escaped from its cage mid-flight. Because Australia is a totalitarian state, the media reports are sparse to say the least, so we don’t know how the beast escaped or what part of the plane it wandered into. What we do know is that the croc was on the loose until after the plane landed and all of the passengers were removed from the plane.

The croc was detained for questioning.