Day: September 26, 2012

Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

When British General Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington, his drum and fife corps played “The World Turn’d Upside Down.”

History is full of opposite days. So much so, in fact, that I spent every day between kindergarten and today practicing for one. Especially when caught in a childhood gaffe, like accidentally admitting to watching David the Gnome every day. “What? No! I was kidding! It’ s Opposite Day. Or is it?”

Reading the news today, it’s either Opposite Day, or I drove through a dimensional detour on my way to work. After all, there are certain truths that will always be true, right? Truths like …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

Alligators: the newest pool-time fun buddy

Hey there parents! Got a party for that bratty kid coming up, but have no idea what to do? Need to top your next door neighbors with showing your kids just how much you faux-love them? Do you live near Kenneth City, Florida?

Then, buddy, do we have the solution for you.

Normal parties are so lame. It’s time for the new hotness: an alligator in your pool! That’s right, for what’s surely a (small, nominal) fee, Bob Barrett, owner of Alligator Attractions, will bring his alligator, Burger, to entertain the kids in your pool. Oh, no worries, as the alligator will have its mouth sealed up.

Nothing to worry about there. Except for the unmentioned claws of the reptile. And the gator poop. OH, THE GATOR POOP!

‘So long, and thanks for all the fish hooks’

Everyone loves the king of the sea, and Beggar was the sea’s Henry VIII. But now the king is dead. (Long live the king!)

Beggar, a dolphin famous for begging for food from boaters in Florida, has died of cheeseburger-related illness. That’s according to biologists who found fish hooks, squid beaks (which are not part of a dolphin’s daily balanced breakfast) and ulcers in his partially-decomposed belly. Beggar was also dehydrated, which, for living underwater is nearly impossible unless fed a highly salty, bacon-wrapped diet.

So, well done, animal warriors. Your efforts have demonstrated that the second quickest way to stopping a dolphin’s heart is through his stomach.

Report: Bacon may not be brought home next year

It’s clear at this point that the British Empire has completely taken its eye off the ball.

This week, the U.K. National Pig Association (Really? We figured it would be named something more like The Royal Order of British Swineraisers and Hogfeeders.) said that there will be a pork and bacon shortage next year in the country, and quite possibly around the world, thanks to rising feed costs because of poor corn and soybean harvests around much of the world. This means the Internet will have to start making lampshades and other zany things out of rib eyes instead.

The really finding here is that this is good news. Around the world, people will hunt down wild boars in an effort to quench their bacon thirsts, and putting us one step ahead in the War on Animals.

Heed the good advice

Fiona Apple, as previously reported, was arrested for getting higher than any single or album she’s had in the past 16 years last week. Apple, apparently is in outrage over the police treatment, including one officer telling her to “just shut up and sing.”

We’d like to say we agree with the officer, but we only agree with half of the statement. We’ll leave it up to you to guess which half.