Month: September 2012

Report: Bacon may not be brought home next year

It’s clear at this point that the British Empire has completely taken its eye off the ball.

This week, the U.K. National Pig Association (Really? We figured it would be named something more like The Royal Order of British Swineraisers and Hogfeeders.) said that there will be a pork and bacon shortage next year in the country, and quite possibly around the world, thanks to rising feed costs because of poor corn and soybean harvests around much of the world. This means the Internet will have to start making lampshades and other zany things out of rib eyes instead.

The really finding here is that this is good news. Around the world, people will hunt down wild boars in an effort to quench their bacon thirsts, and putting us one step ahead in the War on Animals.

Heed the good advice

Fiona Apple, as previously reported, was arrested for getting higher than any single or album she’s had in the past 16 years last week. Apple, apparently is in outrage over the police treatment, including one officer telling her to “just shut up and sing.”

We’d like to say we agree with the officer, but we only agree with half of the statement. We’ll leave it up to you to guess which half.

Eat My Sports: Referendum

No doubt, unless you live literallly underneath a rock, you’ve heard of the blown call heard around the world from the place where the Seattle Seachickens reside. And before we blow up and make this about the refs, take a deep breath and realize that none of this is their fault.

These guys were put in a no win situaion because Roger Goodell is managing the league like a megalomaniac, but if Monday night’s tainted win will accomplish anything, we know now that the real refs, albeit, temporarily, hold the upper hand on the negotiating front. So the refs better act fast. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Referendum

Nuts to longer life

We know how much you ladies love a man with big, luxurious balls, but did you ever consider that your shallowness is killing us?

Researchers studying eunuchs in the Chosun Dynasty — the era of Korean royalty spanning from 1392 to 1910 — found that castrated men lived on average to 70, which was 14 to 19 years longer than their swingin’ peers. Even the kings they served lived to only an average age of 47. Even in comparison to today’s males, three out of the 81 eunuchs survived to 100, which is 130 times more likely even with modern testicular medicine and grooming habits.

So, we finally figured out why married men live longer than single ones. (BOOM! Comedy nuke!)

Time to bust some puffs

Late last week, some mysterious crop circles appeared in Japan. And by Japan, I mean underwater crop circles off the coast of Japan. WoooOOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo. Does this mean that deep in the dark waters, aliens visited and made elaborate patterns as signals for target strike zones? Were they created by some Lovecraftian monstrosity?

Nope. Turns out it was just a male pufferfish.

A Japanese television film crew discovered that a single, solitary pufferfish created the entire design. All in the hopes of getting laid. Presumably. You see, our scientists tell us that reason, but how do we know that it’s not actually a signal from the pufferfish to their animal brethren to commit a horrible atrocity? We just can’t trust them. The safest and most reasonable course of action is to eliminate those beasts and with haste.

Crocodiles on a plane

We’ve kept you abreast of the very real threat faced by our airlines today. We’ve covered attacks by mice, cats, bats, bees and even penguins, but luckily, all of these animals are small and the threat posed is minimal. In Australia, mankind’s luck just ran out.

Recently, on a flight Brisbane to Melbourne, a ruthless crocodile escaped from its cage mid-flight. Because Australia is a totalitarian state, the media reports are sparse to say the least, so we don’t know how the beast escaped or what part of the plane it wandered into. What we do know is that the croc was on the loose until after the plane landed and all of the passengers were removed from the plane.

The croc was detained for questioning.

The McBournie Minute: 21st century meltdown

This past weekend was a pretty big one for entertainment. We had the Emmys and all the hype that goes along with them, plus, some fun news out of Las Vegas and the iHeartRadio music festival. I can tell you right now I didn’t watch either event. First, I wasn’t in Las Vegas, so I didn’t see the show, secondly, award shows are incredibly boring, thirdly, there was football and Boardwalk Empire.

Yet, even though I didn’t witness these things, that hasn’t kept me from having an opinion on them. After all, what is better for getting filled-in on what you missed than countless news articles and a YouTube video or two?

First off, I’d like to thank Green Day for doing something very punk rock, followed by something un-punk rock. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 21st century meltdown

Deflation hits sex dolls especially hard

Turkish authorities mounted a daring rescue, but it was too late: a blow-up doll had committed suicide by jumping into Black Sea. With no identification or known family, she was buried unceremoniously in a trash can in accordance with what may very well have been her final wishes.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened, either. Rescue workers in China recovered another doll back in July. We may never know what’s causing inflato sapiens to take their own lives. All we do know is that life is short, and when love comes your way, keep your nails trimmed.