Day: October 15, 2012

The McBournie Minute: Why are our Secret Service agents so thirsty?

It’s not easy guarding the president, we know this thanks to all sorts of movies and television shows that tell us so. Day-in, day-out, you’re risking your life to protect the leader of the free world, and if you mess up this job even once, the whole country will remember that day forever. It will likely consume you. So you do your best every day to keep the president safe–that’s stressful.

But what’s even more stressful is being a part of the Secret Service advance team, which goes into a city and plans out the routes, hotel rooms and all other logistics and security measures necessary to keep POTUS safe yet accessible. It probably involves several hours a day of going to meetings and visiting places where the president wants to go a few weeks later. Then, they probably have to sit in front of a computer for a while ironing out a plan. Stressful stuff.

That’s why these guys party so hard. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why are our Secret Service agents so thirsty?

New trend: wiping with cash

If you’re still spending cash these days, you’re doing it wrong. One in seven British notes are contaminated with fecal matter, six percent of which were categorized as showing “gross contamination — where the levels of bacteria detected were equal to that you would expect to find in a dirty toilet bowl.”

This means only one thing: the wealthy are wiping their asses with money, just to spread diarrhoeal infections to the other 99 percent in a game that they call “Trickle Down Economics.”

But, that’s not all: eight percent of all bank cards are also grossly infected, which means only one thing: the super rich have to withdraw toilet paper from the ATM, just like the rest of us.

That’s gonna need a lot of Visine

We’re going to need a bigger gun.

Last week in Pompano Beach, Florida, a man was fulfilling one part of his dating profile and enjoying a long walk on the beach, when out of nowhere, he stumbled upon an eyeball. A big eyeball. A really big eyeball. And by really big, I mean a softball sized eyeball.

No one, not even science, can currently tell us the origins of said ocular organ, but it’s being studied by more scientists in St. Petersburg. Speculation is that it could be that of a tuna, a swordfish, a giant squid … or something else.

People, we can’t wait on science to figure out what this behemoth is as that could be too late. The only thing we can do is burn all of the ocean.

It’s hard to run from the cops while in costume

Many people don’t know this, but the Southern Hemisphere is a weird nether region full of contradictions to the reality we call home. For example, while we’re seeing fall weather, they’re enjoying the beginning of spring, even though the calendar clearly says October. It also means that schools are letting out, and the partying may commence.

In Christchurch, New Zealand, one costume party celebrating the end of classes saw 73 arrests. People dressed as maids, genies, doctors, nurses, mummies and more all got charged for having liquor in a liquor-free zone. Also, the party went for 24 hours.

Important societal note: In New Zealand, female terminators are called “sherminators.”