Day: November 1, 2012

MasterChugs Theater: Hurricane Relief

As we can only assume a third of you, our readers, were struck by the recent Hurricane Sandy that hit the east coast earlier this week, you should know that it’s no fun with nothing to do. It’s fairly horrid, but we’ve given you clear and logical tips for making it through. Yes, the power is out, but we live in the era of the smart-phone! Thanks to that nifty little device, no matter whether you’re of the Apple or Android family, you’ve got the power of movie-watching at your fingertips, especially if you have a Netflix or Hulu Plus account.

But sometimes you get hit by the storm, and while it’s terrifying as can be outside, it does a ton of damage, just not to you.

That happened to me in July. My area, southwest Virginia, was crushed by a tornado the night before the heatwave that hit the east coast this summer. Surprisingly enough, I managed to retain power, making me the lucky one and able to survive the heat. BUT! My cable was out for almost a week. No internet! No television! What would I do?!

And then, I looked at my movie collection, and it hit me. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Hurricane Relief

Heroic Icelandic police end sinfulness of immoral cat orgies

So, the east coast of the United States was ravaged by the biggest hurricane in Atlantic history. But! Crises were still happening all around the world, especially for local police in Suðurnes, Iceland. To sum it up in two words: “cat parties.”

According to the Rekjavík Grapevine, Suðurnes police were “called out to break up a party being held by cats.”

Morgunblaðið reports that residents living around a house known to be unoccupied for some time noticed several cats coming in and out of an open window. This piqued the curiosity of residents, who summarily called police to the location at around noon last Sunday.

Police arrived at the scene and, entering the house, found no people there. However, two to three cats – the exact number is still unclear – were allegedly occupying the house. According to police reports, the cats were “snuggling” on a couch that had been left behind by the previous residents.

Officers on the scene sprang into action, immediately evicting the cats from the house. They then ensured that all doors and windows into the house were securely closed and locked, in the hopes of preventing an incident of this sort from ever happening again.

Snuggling? Let’s face it, snuggling wasn’t what was stopped, but pure and unfiltered, immoral cat-sex. The prevention of more animal soldiers being used against us AND ending unlawful squatting of property? That’s called a good day, people.

Every dog has his day … in the U.S. Supreme Court

When you face a foe as great in numbers as animals, humans want to believe that we aren’t alone in this fight. We’ve long put dogs on a pedestal, claiming them as man’s best friend. But, let’s not forget that only 10,000 years ago, they were wolves.

We’ve depended on dogs in police work, especially for enforcing our nation’s drug laws, which have now incarcerated a larger portion of our population than that of any other country, even the freedom-hating ones like North Korea and China. Could this have been dogs’ plan from the beginning, to arrest as many fighting Americans as possible so we would be powerless to stop their inevitable attack?

The U.S. Supreme Court is about to decide whether police dogs are planting evidence. Or, at least whether using their sense of smell alone is strong enough evidence for a search. Either way, it looks like some species is about to get their face rubbed in the Constitution of the United States.

Assault with an arachnid

You may not know this, but it is a criminal offense to throw a spider at a police officer.

You also may not know that the spiders know this, and use mind tricks to get us arrested. For example, take Joseph R. Thomas, 50, of Pennsylvania. This man was confronted by police when he was found pounding on someone’s door one evening, after that, police say he yelled racial slurs, spat and threw a spider at an officer. He even withstood several stuns with a Taser before he was finally arrested.

Does this sound like something a noral 50-year-old would do? Or does it sound like someone under the toxic effects of a spider bite?