The McBournie Minute: Political interruptions

We’re one day away from the election, and it’s nearly over. We’ve been targeted, pandered to, and had some of our annoying friends even post their own opinions in caps lock. Feeling the voter burnout? If you don’t live in a swing state, you have nothing to complain about. Here in Virginia, ads in TV, radio and print have been assaulting us at literally every single turn. So that’s why I’m not going to talk about the election today.

Instead, I’m here to talk to you about one of the worst threats our country, indeed, our very livelihoods, face today: whales. Sure, they have inspired some pretty good books, but they have also inspired some pretty crappy movies, too. But it gets worse, these huge hulks are dying, and then allowing themselves to drift onto our beaches and into our harbors, creating a smelly mess, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

We’ll get into a deeper discussion of this after this commercial break. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Political interruptions

Bionic man leaps tall building in at least 1,648 bounds

Zac Vawter just climbed 103 flights of stairs, and, boy, are his servos tired!

Vawter just successfully used a thought-controlled prosthetic leg to complete the SkyRise Chicago fundraising event in Willis Tower. His new limb, designed by various universities and the U.S. Army’s Telemedicine and Advanced Technology Research Center, allowed Vawter to scale 103 flights of stairs with 3,000 other climbers. And, unlike the prosthetics we saw at the Summer Olympics, this one actually moves and reacts to Vawter’s mental commands like a real limb or Luke Skywalker’s hand.

And, maybe next time, they’ll let him take the elevator.

Bears are the new zombies

Halloween may be done and over with, but as you and I know, the terrifying flesh-eaters known as zombies never hold themselves to just that night. Alas! Things would be much easier if they did.

Well, now we have animals other than opossums using similar tactics as zombies to kill us! For example, a hunter in Oregon was doing his noble business when he came across a bear, no doubt rummaging through some campers’ rucksack like a hobo and being as destructive as possible. Committed to his duty, the hunter, a youth by the name of Alex Machado, shot the bear. When Machado checked the bear to see if it had passed this mortal coil, the bear rose up, grasping him into a bear hug (how original, bear) and sending them both over a cliff! Oh no! Luckily, Machado survived the fall and the bear was then shot … again.

People, our current way of hunting is just too risky. We need to apply zombie survival tactics to animals from now on. Remember: before you check, give them two shots to the head, even if you were already aiming at their noggin.

Eat your fruit — or else

If you’re planning on traveling to Sweden, (and who wouldn’t want to go this time of year?) it’s important to know the laws there. For example, it is not possible to assault someone with a fruit.

In April this year, a bus driver said he was attacked by a woman with a half-eaten banana for no apparent reason. He was letting passengers off the bus, when the woman rushed on, began shouting at him and striking him with her snack. She was sentenced to pay damages to the bus driver, who suffered eye injuries, but an appeals court just overturned that ruling.

So, feel free to hit people with oranges.