You Missed It: Start of the 2016 campaign edition

Apparently some guys on motorcycles rode into a London mall and stole some jewelry from a single store. They were out in under two minutes. This may sound like it could happen anywhere in America where there are action movie lovers, but this one’s all British, because the robbers were armed with axes and knives. Here in American we have the constitutional right to rob people at gunpoint. If you were busy saying you are moving to Canada this week, odds are you missed it.

Political ads drop off the charts
On Tuesday, America re-elected President Barack Obama by a slightly wider margin that some expected. If there’s one thing we learned from not just from the presidential election, it’s that this country has a very deep ideological split. On the one hand, we support decriminalizing marijuana and letting gays marry, but on the other hand, we like our porn with condoms, goggles, dental dams and rubber gloves.

The storm was worth it
Brooklyn residents haven’t had a lot to cheer about, what with the flooding and lack of electricity and all. But things were looking up for a few coastal residents when a marina bar ended up in the middle of the street two miles away, its wares intact. There’s no punchline here, just a tinge of flood envy.

Just in time for cold season
A study by scientists at the National Health Research Institutes in Taiwan found that methamphetamine fights influenza in humans. The only side effect: being addicted to meth.

Congratulations! It’s a tumor!

In Movember-related news, it turns out that men can use home pregnancy tests to find out if they have certain varieties of testicular cancer.

One Ontario man did so for a lark, which is Canadian for “to waste a perfectly good pregnancy test.” When a friend posted the results to Reddit, users suggested he get checked for testicular cancer immediately or, at the very least, get that baby flushed out before it wrecked his pee hole. Sure enough, he had a small tumor on his right testicle, and it was detected early enough to treat immediately.

Please note that the hormone that triggers positive pregnancy test results is not present in all forms of testicular cancer, so don’t forget to get your annual check-up! Sometimes, urinating on a stick is no substitute for a doctor’s loving hands. At least, that’s what it says on our Tijuana medical licenses.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should

That might be the prevailing theme behind the majority of the stories that we talk about here at SG: “just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” This rule of thumb can be applied to men, women, children, old people, even animals. We understand that there are times in your life that you might think taking an action will further your life in a positive direction or even just be awesome. When you encounter these moments, please apply the above mantra.

Such as when you’re living your life as a woman (having previously been a man) and you’ve just gotten a new pair of sweater muffins. Hey, you’re proud of them! Should other people marvel at them? Maybe. Should other people marvel at them when you’re at Walmart? Probably not. Actions like those can sometimes get you arrested.

Hey, we’re just looking out for you, though not necessarily looking at you.

The country formerly known as Iceland

Nearly a millennium ago, the Vikings were the terror of the northern seas, and they explored farther than any other European civilization would for centuries. Unfortunately, they weren’t the best at naming places. The named Iceland, which is rather green, and Greenland, which, you guessed it, is icy. But they don’t want that name any m0re.

And after horrible financial problems and a volcano that stifled travel throughout the region for days, Iceland is finally looking at going the Phillip Morris route, re-branding. You remember Phillip Morris, the company that made cigarettes and got rich, until a lawsuit dragged its name through the mud. They re-branded themselves as Altria, sounds cleaner, right? (Really, Phillip Morris still exists, but it’s owned by this Altria thing.)

Iceland wants to re-brand itself, in a move that is completely not a stunt, and it wants to its people to come up with the best idea, so make your voice heard, America. SeriouslyGuys Nation could be an actual nation!