Day: November 16, 2012

You Missed It: Sugar-coated edition

Hey, so how about CIA Director David Petraeus having an affair with his mistress, huh? Did you hear about that? That’s right, you heard about it all week. Internet memes about it have already lived and died. So there’s nothing more to really say about it. Man, I miss 1997. We had months of material! If you were busy film UFOs over Denver that really just look like out-of-focus birds this week, odds are you missed it.

Hostess has a shorter shelf like than its products
Yesterday, Hostess threatened to liquidate its assets and close up shop if an ongoing labor strike wasn’t resolved by midnight. This morning, Hostess announced it’s going out of business, and likely taking down its adored snack foods with it. Pro tip: This Thanksgiving, stuff your turkey will Twinkie filling you won at the Hostess auction.

Government shoved down your throat
The cabal that runs the People’s Republic of Los Angeles has decided to endorse meatless Mondays. While no criminal fines will be given and no city ordinances passed, the city is encouraging its citizens to pledge not to eat meat on Mondays, in an effort to change their diets. How the hell do they expect a man to survive Meatless Monday if there aren’t any Ding-Dongs to live off of?

Let’s go to 14
The cover of the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14 depicts both the game’s namesake and gold legend and beverage entrepreneur Arnold Palmer. The cover features both golfers at the top of their game: Arnie from the 1960s, and Tiger from when he was banging everything in sight.

Australian education victim of tomfoolery, still gives the right information

This year, Year 12 students taking the Australian VCE history exam were told that robots were an integral part of the Russian Revolution. The Russian Revolution of 1917.

It would appear that this incorrect, as the source of this integral information appears to have come not from the annals of history, but a Google Image Search.

Or is it? Oh sure, we say that it’s highly farfetched that powerful robots were around in the early part of the 20th century and able to turn the tide of the October Revolution, but think about it. If we’ve learned anything from the documentary series about Skynet, it’s that robots easily have the ability to be sent back in time. Not only that, but we also know, once again thanks to the aforementioned documentary series, that robots can be reprogrammed for our personal use, but can be destroyed. With those pieces of information, is it really outlandish to think that the painting is not a Photoshop, but an accurate retelling of history and war? I think not.

Einstein’s brain brings the boys to the yard

Only Einstein could explain Kelis’ lyrics.

After Albert Einstein died, his brain was removed, photographed and dissected to discover if it had any properties that made it more likely to make Newton his bitch. And, just to drive the point home that Einstein was better than other scientists, the doctors who gathered this data managed to lose the most important photos and brain samples in human history.

Fortunately, 14 of the photos have recently been found. They show that, on the surface, Einstein’s brain was like yours or mine. But, inside, he was packing extraordinary prefrontal, somatosensory, primary motor, parietal, temporal and occipital cortices. In fact, his prefrontal cortex was massive, which is surprising when you consider his small dancer feet. It was so bulky that Einstein could crack walnuts with his mind … if he were able to remove and swing that cortex like a cudgel.

So, there you go. Einstein’s brain was the total package: brains and brawn. Now, give him your lunch money, freshmen physics students.

The last of the bubbly

We’ve got terrible news, and it affects every one of us. From the be-monocled aristocrat, to the hungover looking for a mimosa or five, to the athletes who just won the championship. Folks, we might run out of champagne.

France’s Champagne region was ravaged by hailstorms, fungus and soggy weather, which means a bad grape harvest, like 40%-down-from-last-year bad. That means there will be 40% less champagne on the market in about a year and a half, when that stuff is ready to drink. But even so, you just know that the grape future markets are skyrocketing, right? Right?!

The good news is that if you read this blog, you probably drink sparkling white wine and call it champagne–that stuff will be just fine. Sorry to be so dramatic before.