Packing on the rounds

“And I’m sleepy because of tryptophan, not because I’m drunk. Assh%le.”

As we gear up for extended visits with family, part of those preparations is to stock the fridge or cooler with the sweet, cool nectar of the gods: booze. Of course, alcohol certainly didn’t stop history’s most dysfunctional family, the gods of ancient Greece and Rome, from fighting over turkey legs. And it definitely won’t help you keep off those excess holiday pounds, no matter how much you throw up later.

A recent study shows that the average American consumes about 100 calories of alcohol daily. 20 percent of men and 16 percent of women, however, drink more than 300 calories’ worth a day, proving they’re — in every sense — not lightweights.

So, if you’re trying to cut soda out of your diet with booze this week, you’ll need to cut back on stuffing, too, because a 12-ounce can of Coke has nearly the same amount of calories as the equivalent beer or a 5-ounce glass of wine. Or, you could drink so much that you don’t want to eat at all.

The goat which must not be named

Being a paperboy sucks. It’s not a job that lends itself to the easy life: you have to wake up earlier than everyone else no matter the weather, your aim must be precise, the pay is menial at best, collect money from deadbeats, you have to ward off the advances of pedophiles and contend with dogs. It’s just not worth it.

Get ready to add another con to that list: being attacked by rampaging goats.

Jaxon Gessel was minding his business, hurting nobody by doing his job as a paperboy when out of nowhere, he was sent flying off his bike by a vicious headbutt. The culprit? A goat given the name of Voldemort. Somehow the monster had managed to get off its chain (surely via the use of evil magics) and attack young Jaxon.

Click the link. That’s not the face of an easy-going beast. That’s the face of a villain.

Story courtesy of Jeremy Bethel

Snakes are cheap entertainment

It’s nearly the holiday season, and what have you done to make the world a better place? Hunting, you say? OK, we’ll leave you alone, then.

If you didn’t go hunting or do something to help us defeat the animals, this is for you. The father of a baby girl in rural India can’t afford toys for his daughter, so instead, he brings home his work. Unfortunately, he works as a snake catcher. Sidhi Siddharth Sinune crawls around with snakes that her father brings home as entertainment, since he is so poor. If you’re familiar with snakes in India, you’ll know that they aren’t the safest things, like the python.

This Christmas, won’t you donate some toys to this poor girl, or at least a rubber snake?