Day: November 27, 2012

Eat My Sports: Fire man, Ed

For those of you who pay attention to sports superfans, and let’s face it, who isn’t? New York Jets crazy man Fireman Ed has decided to hang it up. You know, the same man who leads those ridiculously annoying “J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!” chants. And I’m all for teaching our youth how to spell, Mr. Ed, but the same word every week? Well, you were overdue a long time ago to get the hell out of New Jersey.

The thing that has bothered me the most about hombre de fuego Ed recently has been his rampant support of all that is wrong with New York, Mark Sanchez. Ed represented every variation of the much-maligned Jets’ QB over the past four seasons, even though his quarterback has gone from rookie, to crappy sophomore, to “OK, I have a handle on the offense, cut me loose. Wait, no, I still suck,” to “I make Tim Tebow look goooooooooood.” And when your number one fan supports your number one reason you lose blindly, well, that means its time to hang up the hat. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Fire man, Ed

Another day, another buried grenade

Perhaps you’re unaware of the great Elven/Dwarvish/Root People Hidden War of 1951. It happened a long time ago, and as it’s named, it was hidden from the masses. In the conflict, a mass of elves tried to eradicate the Root People of the Under-Colonies with the assistance of the dwarfs. This all took place under the entire state of Florida. The elves were able to do their vile business, but in doing so, relations between their people and the dwarfs were shattered forever.

Unfortunately, their tools of destruction have now been unearthed. Kids in Orange County stumbled across a buried grenade, and not too long after that, a second grenade was discovered.

People of the world beneath the dirt, please come forward and let it be known where your former weapons of war and ruin lie. If you don’t, you’ll have to be unwittingly added into a commercial backed by Sarah McLachlan, and no one wants that to happen.

Half man! Half man! Half man!*

*As an apology for writing about Two and a Half Men, the Guys have used a line from a far superior show to try to make up for it. Sorry.

Chuck Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory and Lawyer Porks the Granola Out of Some Hippie Chick

Angus T. Jones, the “half” in Two and a Half Men since he was 10 years old, has turned 19 and realized what most people do as they mature: that his show is garbage. Its scripts are generally what 1 Corinthians describes as speaking, thinking and reasoning as a child, which Angus — reaching the age of manhood — has decided to put away. Meanwhile, showrunner Chuck Lorre will continue to write exactly like this, whether on this show or in the six-season-long wedgie he’s been giving to nerds on The Big Bang Theory.

If Jones is legit, then godspeed. If he’s merely pulling a fake Kirk Cameron because even Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher couldn’t destroy Two and a Half Men, then may his contract be short and found non-binding.

Filling the hole left by the NHL lockout

As a very, very limited number of you may have noticed, there is currently no NHL season because of a dispute between the players and the owners. We know this is devastating to all of you.

The hardest hit are Canadians, who now face not only the prospect of going a year without their beloved sport, but having nothing else to do during winter, the worst time to live in Canada. But the adult toy industry has been benefiting from from the lockout.

Adult toy makers say that their boost in sales this fall, up 15% since October, is a direct result of there being no hockey to watch. The Canucks have managed to find other way to entertain themselves, which could lead to a lockout baby boom.