Month: December 2012

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

Despite all his rage, the shark is no longer in a cage

The Guys don’t think it’s too much of a grasp to call an aquarium in a shopping mall ludicrous, or at the very least, gratuitous. Sure, we all like to see the prisoners of war in the conflict that we humans are involved in, but it just seems a bit … extravagant to have a glass cage filled with sea animals while you shop for the latest fashions.

But Shanghai is a different country containing their own excesses. Unfortunately, excesses sometimes have a limit. An aquarium located in a Shanghai mall burst, the six inch thick glass containing turtles, fish and lemon sharks breaking and sending its contents out onto the floor, but first into innocent bystanders (link contains an auto-playing video). Some citizens were injured, but no one died.

12-27-12: Never Forget.

Putin hits us right in the Jolie’s

In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin regretted cutting into Angelina Jolie's selection of children, saying that he would be more than willing to still help her have Russian children. With his dick. ("Brad can watch.")
In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that, while he regrets cutting into Angelina Jolie’s selection, he would be more than willing to help her have Russian children. With his dick. (“Brad can watch.”)

Mark it on your calendars, fellow Americans. From this point on, we can no longer adopt designer babies from Russia. According to a bill signed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, wealthy U.S. moms will have to dress underfed kids from pretty much everywhere else in the world in our country’s unused skinny jeans.

If that sounds harsh, please realize that this was in response to a U.S. bill that promised sanctions on Russians who have violated human rights. And, you know what? We’re with Putin. After all, what’s the point of protecting human rights abusers if there aren’t any unwanted children in your country for them to abuse?

Medicine, bar scene slowly merging

Sometimes alcohol really is the only cure.

In England, an old man with a bum ticker was pretty much cured of his condition by doctors, and a little help from our friend booze. The patient, 77, had a rapid heartbeat, which can be fatal if not treated. Doctors solved the problem by injecting alcohol straight into his heart.

It may not have been Johnnie Walker, but it did the trick. Whatever the reason, we’re glad to see medicine is finally embracing the wonders of injecting hootch into patients. Would anyone have opposed Obamacare if they knew it meant free booze?

I’m too sexy for my job

When a man and a woman come together in an office, sometimes sparks fly, even if one of them is married. In order to keep his vows upheld, the man may have to fire the woman because she’s too gorgeous and may cause him to break his marriage vows.

This is now the new precedent that’s been set in Iowa. The state’s Supreme Court ruled that Melissa Nelson was too irresistible to work in the dentist’s office where she formerly was employed before being given the boot, and thus, no wrongful termination took place (based on gender discrimination).

The Guys figure that any kind of blue-eyed, blonde lassie would be considered A-OK to be around, especially in Iowa.

Animals want to wrap up human reproduction

And to make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your "tweedle" as a "burying beetle" as often as you can during and after copulation.
To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.

We’ve long suspected that, despite animals threatening all of human survival, not every human is on board with the War on Animals. Sure enough, the new year — the year of the snake, no less — has revealed an insidious fifth column: the “Center for Biological Diversity.”

What kind of diversity, we’re pretending you asked? One with less humans thanks to endangered species-themed condoms. The animal-lovers are distributing 50,000 free condoms, each featuring animal propaganda, over the holidays. And, according to their own press release, it’s to address “the effects of rapid human population growth on rare plants and animals.”

Let’s prove them right, people. This holiday season, make the gift that keeps on eating and using natural resources. And just to get things rolling, feed Junior a steak every meal. Or an endangered panther. It’ll put hair on her chest (unless you skin the lion first).

Not a sober thought

If you had the power of telekinesis, what would you use it for first? If you’re a regular reader of this blog, there’s a safe bet you answered, “Make a drink with my mind.” One company is working to make that dream come true.

Interaxon in Canada is researching the use of a headband that can read the wearer’s brainwaves and give them real-time data on how well they are focusing. They say that it could one day lead to devices that allow you to flick a light switch, or control a beer tap, with nothing but your thoughts. Our guess is that after a couple mind-beers, you get less effective with your control.

You’re thinking about a beer right now, aren’t you?

You Missed It: Backfire edition

"I've asked Batman here to personally train all of the volunteers."
“I’ve asked Batman here to personally train the volunteers.”

So, when’s the next Doomsday estimate? Does anyone know? For a couple years now, it’s been one after another. We had the crazy guy with the church (which could be said for pretty much any End of Days prediction, really), saying the world was going to end two different times. Today, we proved the Mayans wrong. At some point, waiting for the world to end turns into wanting the world to end. If you were raptured this week, odds are you missed it.

A cop on every corner
Exactly one week after 26 people, including 20 elementary-school students, were murdered at the hands of a crazed shooter with legally-acquired assault weapons, the NRA broke its silence. The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre blamed the media, video games, movies, music videos, natural disasters, the Obama administration and more as the cause of the shooting. But not guns. The group called for an armed police officer to be assigned to every school in the U.S., and if funding can’t be found, have armed volunteers patrol instead. Because the only thing that can keep an armed stranger from roaming the halls of our schools is an armed stranger roaming the halls of our schools.

The long, strange lives of Olympians
Olympians may live longer than the average human because they lead active lifestyles, according to a study released this week. In unrelated news, The Smoking Gun found that former Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton has been making money lately as an escort in Las Vegas, charging $600 an hour. Favor Hamilton said she looks forward to outliving her coworkers.

Person of the Year: The Year
TIME named President Barack Obama its person of the year, the second time he has won the honor. Obama beat out the Higgs Boson. After naming “the protester” the person of 2011, I’m just glad that the venerable magazine remembered to give the award to a specific person, rather than a group of persons, or you know, a theoretical particle.