Day: December 7, 2012

You Missed It: Al fresco edition

A good portion of this post has been written with my pupils dilated. I went to the eye doctor this afternoon, like a fool, and they did this to me. Now I can’t see anything closer than six feet away, so the typos are in here to make it interesting. Also, I have the light sensitivity of a character in Twilight. Wait–are those the vampires that are just peachy with sunlight? Never mind. It’s like a hangover, except without the memories from the night before to make the pain worthwhile. If you are the greatest quarterback ever to play football and you just welcomed your third child this week, odds are you missed it.

Stop feeling warm and fuzzy
New York is where dreams come true, but it’s also a place where dreams are trounced mercilessly. Remember last week when that tourist posted a picture of a NYPD officer buying a homeless guy some boots? Turns out he’s not actually homeless. He’s actually got an apartment, in the city. However, the man said he has taken to panhandling because he really needs a new table to complete his breakfast nook.

The pigeon’s natural enemy: the catfish
This week, a scientific study was published which found that a species of European catfish have learned to attack and eat pigeons as they sip water from rivers. Like killer whales going after seals, these catfish, which can grow up to 5 feet long (!), close in on their prey before snatching them from dry land and dragging them underwater. In future news, European catfish claim their first human victim.

Take the money
Publisher Random House had an exceptionally good year for sales, which many attribute to the huge success of 50 Shades of Grey. In celebration, the company is giving all of its secretaries a $5,000 bonus. But you know they’re just going to blow it all on ball gags and Ben-Wa balls.

NASA says feds still need fiscal solution after Dec. 21

When it comes to the Mayan-predicted apocalypse, all options — including financial ones — are on the table.

Despite what the Mayans say, Congress and the President cannot bank on the world ending on Dec. 21, 2012. This is a disappointment to both sides, who each planned on  delaying the approval of a compromise budget plan until the return of Bolon Yokte and the destruction of the world.

Because Republicans and Democrats defunded NASA, the nearly grounded space agency has more time to update their Web site. And according to their latest blog post (which is totally the same thing as being published):

Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then — just as your calendar begins again on January 1 — another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar.

So, get back to work on that grand compromise, feds. The Mayans aren’t letting you off easy, no matter what the Australian prime minister says.

Destroying the league one day at a time

For those of you who don’t know, Roger Goodell is tyrant commissioner of the NFL. He has made such great strides in the league, like suspending players who are not even charged with crimes, or suspending people an entire season based on false evidence.

Now, Mr. Goodell is planning to start ruining our scared NFL by possibly eliminating kickoffs. Not confirmed yet is the rumor that, hey, let’s forget about tackling, who is up for a rousing game of flag football?

The loonies vote “lunatic” out of the law

Crazy people can be very sensitive. That’s why the House of Representatives can vote so unanimously on a single issue.

In a nearly unanimous vote, 398-1, the House voted to remove the word “lunatic” from U.S. law. That’s right, nearly 400 people got together to talk about one thing, and they all agreed on it, except one. What’s more is these people were members of the House, who vote on what day it is along party lines. The only pro-lunatic vote: Texas Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert.

Let’s hear from fellow Texas Republican and House Judiciary Committee Chairman Lamar Smith.

“The term lunatic derives from the Latin word for moon. Before the modern era, it was used to describe a person who suffers from mental disease because of the belief that lunar cycles have an impact on brain function. But as science and medicine have progressed, society has come to understand mental illness with more clarity.”

Yep, even a guy who denies that mankind is causing climate change is backing science on this one.