A good portion of this post has been written with my pupils dilated. I went to the eye doctor this afternoon, like a fool, and they did this to me. Now I can’t see anything closer than six feet away, so the typos are in here to make it interesting. Also, I have the light sensitivity of a character in Twilight. Wait–are those the vampires that are just peachy with sunlight? Never mind. It’s like a hangover, except without the memories from the night before to make the pain worthwhile. If you are the greatest quarterback ever to play football and you just welcomed your third child this week, odds are you missed it.
Stop feeling warm and fuzzy
New York is where dreams come true, but it’s also a place where dreams are trounced mercilessly. Remember last week when that tourist posted a picture of a NYPD officer buying a homeless guy some boots? Turns out he’s not actually homeless. He’s actually got an apartment, in the city. However, the man said he has taken to panhandling because he really needs a new table to complete his breakfast nook.
The pigeon’s natural enemy: the catfish
This week, a scientific study was published which found that a species of European catfish have learned to attack and eat pigeons as they sip water from rivers. Like killer whales going after seals, these catfish, which can grow up to 5 feet long (!), close in on their prey before snatching them from dry land and dragging them underwater. In future news, European catfish claim their first human victim.
Take the money
Publisher Random House had an exceptionally good year for sales, which many attribute to the huge success of 50 Shades of Grey. In celebration, the company is giving all of its secretaries a $5,000 bonus. But you know they’re just going to blow it all on ball gags and Ben-Wa balls.