Day: December 12, 2012

Take it from Snee: A War on Christmas Miracle

Do they know it's the War on Christmas?
Do they know it’s the War on Christmas?

I’ve shown reluctance in years past to join the War on Christmas. I celebrate Christmas, understanding that it’s when Jesus, after dying just months earlier in March-April, benjamin-buttons his way back to being a baby in December. I’ve just never felt like anyone was taking Christmas away from me, nor have I been able to conjure up the proper fearection required to fight those who might.

But, what about those who do believe in the War on Christmas? I would never intentionally destroy a child’s faith in Santa Claus, so why would I allow child-like minds to lose their faith in their favorite imaginary culture war? It’s tragic when innocence is lost, and even Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson is starting to wonder if she’s nuts (check the 1 minute mark) for believing in the War on Christmas.

Folks, I can’t let this happen, not after Fox News was already so wrong about the election. Being wrong about the War on Christmas would absolutely, irrevocably wreck them, driving the seasonal suicide rate even higher. Yes, Gretchen, there is a War on Christmas. And I’m going to make everyone believe in it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A War on Christmas Miracle

Pope Benedict CXL characters

You'll have to excuse His Holiness being a few years behind memes when posting pics of his new ride.
You’ll have to excuse His Holiness being a few years behind memes when posting pics of his new ride.

Pope Benedict XVI launched his official Twitter account, @Pontifex, today and used his first tweet to bless everyone. It was a good start for the pontiff, but papal analysts believe tomorrow’s tweets will be along the lines of, “Not really sure what Twitter is for,” followed by participation in hashtag games like #biblequoteswithfood and #S–tOurFatherSays.

The account will remain active until either His Holiness dies and the Cardinals elect an even older new pope … or when he accidentally tweets a picture of his penis that was supposed to be a direct message to one lucky follower.

Squid now the newest pilot whales

Anyone that’s studied our eternal enemies, the animals, is familiar with the pilot whale. The cetacean beasts are well-known for stranding their massive bodies on our beaches. Sure, it’s a form of suicide that we don’t fully understand (not that we’re complaining — less of them equals better odds for us in this war), but invariably, it ends with them leaving their diseased and decaying carcasses on our beaches, creating eye-sores and potentially locking up city funds to dispose them.

They’ve now got company in their life-ending ranks, as hundreds of squid washed ashore in Santa Cruz. Even when some of the idiotic masses attempted to place the molluscs back into the water, the creatures made their way back onto the shore.

We don’t really know why they decided to commit suicide. Perhaps they gave up on the war. Perhaps this is nothing more than an insidious plan on the animals part. Who knows? The only solution is to eliminate them all and find out later.

It makes my doo doo twinkle, man

Stuck on what to get The Guys for Christmas? We don’t blame you, we are pretty awesome, or likely to make sarcastic remarks if your gift sucks. But that’s not to say we don’t appreciate you. That’s why we’re dropping some subtle hints for our beloved readers.

We want some 24-karat gold pills to make our poop nice and shimmery. If there’s one thing every other FOX News commercial tells us, it’s to invest in precious metals because their value keeps going up, up, up! And what’s another way to make their value go up? By literally flushing some of it down the toilet, making supplies that much scarcer.

Give a crap, for the economy.