Day: December 14, 2012

You Missed It: Fill-in edition

It’s not easy to write something like this on a day like today. When terrible tragedies happen, the last thing you want to do is crack jokes about the news. Something unthinkable happened today, and it’s right to stop and think and feel. But it’s also OK to remember that this isn’t how things always are. There’s a lot of good that happens every day, and that’s what we all need to remember. Perhaps this may help in the slightest amount. If you were busy beginning an unexpected journey this week, odds are you missed it.

Sgt. Pepper’s aging grunge club band
On Wednesday, some of the biggest acts for white people over 50 turned out to for a concert benefiting Sandy relief efforts. The Who, the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Bon Jovi and more all got together for the show, but one of the most unusual acts came in the form of Nirvana–with Paul McCartney filling in for Kurt Cobain, who was unable to make the event. OK, Mayans, I see your point.

Mail, Dr. Jones
How long does it take Indiana Jones’ fan base to forgive him for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Apparently, just four years. Someone is sending Dr. Henry Jones Jr. mail at the University of Chicago, where he once “studied.” Pictures, hand-crafted journals, newspaper clippings, airline tickets and more were delivered to the university in an envelope complete with fake Egyptian stamps of the period. If you’re reading this, mystery sender, feel free to send me the hat and whip for safe keeping. I promise to only use them on adventures.

‘Hey, let’s crash stuff into the moon!’
For about a year, NASA has had two spacecraft, Ebb and Flow, orbiting the moon on a mapping mission. Now that their mission is complete, it’s time to power them down and dispose of them. NASA plans to crash them into the moon’s north pole. Because, you know, even rocket scientists like seeing things explode.

And the lactose-intolerant will inherit the earth

Okay boys and girls, it’s now time to revitalize another once-thriving industry that’s now been hit by hard times: the United States’ milk industry. Consumption and sales for the cow-based liquid have been steadily going down over the past 37 years like the Oakland Raiders’ win percentage.

A rebranding and retooling of how milk is consumed has resulted in not just marketing that will theoretically put down the pale successor to the crown that is soy milk, but also the debut of a new slimmer, sexier milk bottle. Sure, it may not be quite as much milk as you’re used to drinking, but it just. Looks. Fantastic.

So do more than your body good and buy some milk. This is one time where we definitely advocate buying rather than pirating the product, as stolen milk…often isn’t milk.

If you give a lawyer a ticket

Florida's last legal recourse is to shame morons into turning their car stereos down by having Ice Cube pull up next to them.
Florida’s last legal recourse is to shame morons into turning their car stereos down by having Ice Cube pull up next to them.

It’s not every day that you encounter the perfect storm of douche.

Clearwater lawyer, Richard Catalano, struck a freedom blow for obnoxious douchebags in his home state of Florida on Thursday. He took his $73 ticket for blasting Justin Timberlake songs in his car at a volume that police say could be heard more than 25 feet away all the way to the Florida Supreme Court and, unfortunately for everyone on his commute, won.

Just in case his obnoxiousness was in question, Catalano argued (correctly) that his right to loudly share his terrible music with everyone is within his First Amendment rights. So, be sure to thank Catalano with your First Amendment rights and tell him to turn his sh%&ty music down.

So, let’s go to the scoreboard: Florida (1), lawyer (2), loud car stereo (3), that is blasting Justin Timberlake (4),  challenges $73 ticket in the state’s highest court (5), arguing that said ticket violates the First Amendment (6) and being annoyingly right (7)? We are officially at DoucheCon 1 … or 5 … whichever means we want to die.

Watch out for the Groupon scalpers at the game

The NFL’s Chargers of the city of A Whale’s Vagina have suffered very low attendance records. Given the team’s records over the past decade, that’s understandable: they’re the essentially the reverse New York Giants, being hot in the beginning of the season and then crashing harder Lilo driving on the 405 on a Friday night. As such, they suffer a possible fourth consecutive television blackout on Sunday.

But their loss might be your gain! The football team has paired up with coupon site Groupon to offer a deal to potential fans: cut rate tickets at cut rate prices. Will it work? We don’t know and frankly, we don’t care. The Guys are fans of teams on the eastern coast. You silly California teams matter not to us.

The fine line between pet and wild animal

Folks, if there is one thing that we have warned you all about, it’s animals. And yet, everyone has a pet. Pets are fine, in the sense that you can use them to gain information about the enemy. Just make sure they know how to beg, it’s the only useful trick they will ever know if they run away.

But there are sad times, when someone’s pet is hit by a car. When a woman in Bangor, Maine hit a cat, she immediately assumed it was seriously injured and put it in the back of her van. And in the words of the Associated Press: “while driving the cat became alert and she realized it was a bobcat.” It woke up. And it was not happy.

She called the emergency responders. Police arrived on scene and the bobcat was eventually corralled and brought in for questioning.