Day: December 19, 2012

Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Guys, as you probably noticed on Facebook, there isn’t a Take it from Snee this week. That’s because I’m too busy working on this week’s issue of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia.

And, let me tell you, this has not been an easy one to put together. People seem to be really on our case after Friday’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. As you’ve noticed, we and the NRA have been quiet this week, and for good reason: we don’t have to say a word. Our members will do it for us. It’s called viral marketing, and they have caught Second Amendment Fever!

Just, you know, not "school shooting" deadly. Also, special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.
Just, you know, not “school shooting” deadly. (Special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.)

So, as the nation mourns (again), RAM has nothing to say except that this was a terrible tragedy, and words cannot express how pained we are. Nor can we offer any insight into the actions on that terrible day … but here’s what some ordinary, normal folks (*wink*) have said for us on Facebook and Twitter.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

It’s integral to walking the streets at night

You don’t even want to know what’s found in messenger bags.

If one is going to roam the streets in the early day, slashing tires willy-nilly, there are certain objects they should probably have on them. At least, we can only assume these are the new standards for such actions (not that we advocate said crimes, but if you’re gonna do them, do them in style):

  • A dark colored hoodie of some sort
  • A knife or cutting object of some sort. We won’t be picky, as a rusty spork may possibly be able to do the job
  • Running shoes, as opposed to unlaced Timberland boots
  • A backpack
  • A jar of poop to put in said backpack

Are you a bad enough dude to live?

Women may regenerate microlives faster, but men can jump higher.
Women may regenerate microlives faster, but men can jump higher.

Remember waaay back to Monday, when some crazy physicist suggested that our entire universe could be a simulation created by our evolutionary descendents to study us, sort of like a Sim Jurassic Park but for grandpas? Turns out Dr. Bostrom was close: we live in a video game.

Dr. David Spiegelhalter, a statistician at the University of Cambridge, authored a study on the impact of food and lifestyle choices on human life expectancy:

Calculating that the average life spans about 80 years, he divided that time up for adults 35 and older into nearly a million half hours, and assigned each 30 minute period to be 1 microlife. Each microlife is about one millionth of life expectancy after age 35. He then assessed how unhealthy eating habits would impact a person’s total microlives.

If you, Average Human, start out with 1,401,600 microlives that begin ticking down immediately at your spawn point, then you can slow this down or even regain microlives by, say, eating a salad a day or exercising. Meanwhile, smoking will take away 10 microlives for every pack smoked.

Even gender affects your microlife count. Women regain 4 microlives a day compared to men, which explains why men are more affected by our mid-live crises: we’re desperately seeking a savepoint.

Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.