Are you a bad enough dude to live?

Women may regenerate microlives faster, but men can jump higher.
Women may regenerate microlives faster, but men can jump higher.

Remember waaay back to Monday, when some crazy physicist suggested that our entire universe could be a simulation created by our evolutionary descendents to study us, sort of like a Sim Jurassic Park but for grandpas? Turns out Dr. Bostrom was close: we live in a video game.

Dr. David Spiegelhalter, a statistician at the University of Cambridge, authored a study on the impact of food and lifestyle choices on human life expectancy:

Calculating that the average life spans about 80 years, he divided that time up for adults 35 and older into nearly a million half hours, and assigned each 30 minute period to be 1 microlife. Each microlife is about one millionth of life expectancy after age 35. He then assessed how unhealthy eating habits would impact a person’s total microlives.

If you, Average Human, start out with 1,401,600 microlives that begin ticking down immediately at your spawn point, then you can slow this down or even regain microlives by, say, eating a salad a day or exercising. Meanwhile, smoking will take away 10 microlives for every pack smoked.

Even gender affects your microlife count. Women regain 4 microlives a day compared to men, which explains why men are more affected by our mid-live crises: we’re desperately seeking a savepoint.

Published by

Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of “moron,” some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and — on one occasion — a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven’t heard of it). Really, he’s just one of The Guys, y’know?

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