Day: December 27, 2012

I’m too sexy for my job

When a man and a woman come together in an office, sometimes sparks fly, even if one of them is married. In order to keep his vows upheld, the man may have to fire the woman because she’s too gorgeous and may cause him to break his marriage vows.

This is now the new precedent that’s been set in Iowa. The state’s Supreme Court ruled that Melissa Nelson was too irresistible to work in the dentist’s office where she formerly was employed before being given the boot, and thus, no wrongful termination took place (based on gender discrimination).

The Guys figure that any kind of blue-eyed, blonde lassie would be considered A-OK to be around, especially in Iowa.

Animals want to wrap up human reproduction

And to make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your "tweedle" as a "burying beetle" as often as you can during and after copulation.
To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.

We’ve long suspected that, despite animals threatening all of human survival, not every human is on board with the War on Animals. Sure enough, the new year — the year of the snake, no less — has revealed an insidious fifth column: the “Center for Biological Diversity.”

What kind of diversity, we’re pretending you asked? One with less humans thanks to endangered species-themed condoms. The animal-lovers are distributing 50,000 free condoms, each featuring animal propaganda, over the holidays. And, according to their own press release, it’s to address “the effects of rapid human population growth on rare plants and animals.”

Let’s prove them right, people. This holiday season, make the gift that keeps on eating and using natural resources. And just to get things rolling, feed Junior a steak every meal. Or an endangered panther. It’ll put hair on her chest (unless you skin the lion first).

Not a sober thought

If you had the power of telekinesis, what would you use it for first? If you’re a regular reader of this blog, there’s a safe bet you answered, “Make a drink with my mind.” One company is working to make that dream come true.

Interaxon in Canada is researching the use of a headband that can read the wearer’s brainwaves and give them real-time data on how well they are focusing. They say that it could one day lead to devices that allow you to flick a light switch, or control a beer tap, with nothing but your thoughts. Our guess is that after a couple mind-beers, you get less effective with your control.

You’re thinking about a beer right now, aren’t you?