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You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri.

February:

Linebriated
Did you know who Jeremy Lin was before February? If you said “no,” you’ve got something in common with the New York Knickerbockers of Basketball. Suddenly, a kid who went to Harvard was given a chance to play, and the Knicks began winning games. It gave way to “Linsanity” and other lazy terms. Not to be outdone, the New York Post came up with “Amasian.” That’s a funny one, because of his race, get it! He’s Asian-American and the NBA has never had a talented Asian player before. Somewhere in China, Yao Ming cried for the two weeks Lin played well.

Harry Potter and the Perpetual Hangover
Daniel Radcliffe admitted to being drunk in some scenes in the Harry Potter series. He said that back then he was having trouble coping with all the fame, and turned to drinking every night. While he didn’t drink on the job, he would show up for work still drunk. This explains the scene in Order of the Phoenix, where Harry slurs to Hermione that her “ass looks really great tonight.”

Vampire Nicolas Cage: I’m not a vampire
Remember when that mid-1800s photograph of a dude that looked like Nicolas Cage started circulating around the Internet? Well, Cage clarified that he is not a vampire, existing ageless for hundreds of years. But he was really glad you thought of him and asked if you had any scripts he could take a look at.

March:

Houston, we have a hacker
According to a report released in March from NASA’s inspector general, the space agency was hacked 13 times 2011. In some attacks, the hackers reached mission-critical data. This was offered for the explanation as to why its Voyager I probe, now reaching the edge of the solar system, is sending messages offering aliens discount deals on Viagra.

Famous men in bracelets
What’s the latest trend in Hollywood? Getting arrested. In the same week, Russel Brand turned himself in to authorities after snatching and throwing a photographer’s iPhone. Never to be upstaged, George Clooney got himself arrested protesting outside the Sudanese Embassy in Washington, D.C. I’m just fine with Brand getting thrown in jail, but does anyone really think a jail cell can hold Clooney? No doubt this is part of a larger scheme, haven’t you seen the Ocean’s movies? You fools, he wants you to arrest him!

H2O: The silent killer
Weeks after her death in a hotel bathroom, coroners finally told us that Whitney Houston was the victim of an accidental drowning. The tragic happening was helped by a heart condition and some cocaine in her system. She also had marijuana, Xanax, muscle relaxers and Benadryl in her system, but these didn’t contribute to her death. You know what did? Water. This is exactly why I don’t drink it, and avoid it at parties.

April:

God himself denies being a creepy old man
Morgan Freeman is a man of many roles (and weird freckle things), but there’s one role he won’t be playing: husband. The president in Deep Impact denied rumors that he was to marry his 27-year-old step-granddaughter. So, you know, never mind that he got in a car accident a couple years ago while allegedly messing around with another woman, which led his wife to divorce him, Freeman is not marrying his step-granddaughter. You’d better listen to him, he’s the HNIC.

Gone to that big bandstand in the sky
Dick Clark, a legend in the music and television industry, died at the age of 82. Since suffering a stroke a few years ago, he had been less visible, but to generations he was responsible for breaking musical acts and having a warm personality on television. We can all look forward to seeing him again as the holographic host of New Year’s Rockin’ Eve in a few days.

Not everything stays a secret
Several Secret Service agents were fired after it was uncovered that the security team for president’s visit to Colombia had been drinking and picking up prostitutes during their stay. Their mantra was “Wheels up, rings off,” which will be the name of my mid-life-crisis band in about 15 years.

May:

Love in a time of Reagan
It was is surely a coincidence, one of President Barack Obama’s ex-girlfriends published her experiences in a biography in an election year. Genevieve Cook met the future president at a Christmas party in 1983, and found him very charming. However, she warned that he was distant and “deceptive” in so many ways, and promised to have all sorts of fodder for Republicans. But if he was at a Christmas party when he was 22, I guess that means he’s not a Muslim.

Facebook Inc.
Facebook went public, with one of the largest IPOs the world has ever seen. However, the stock didn’t come anywhere near investor expectations, losing some investors significant amounts of money. In other important Facebook news, Becky, your friend from college, said that she is “super excited for the weekeeeeeeeend,” in a status update.

A president and some porn stars
Bill Clinton: Elder statesman, tireless charity worker and fan of the ladies was in Monte Carlo, Monaco for an event for his foundation and the Prince Albert II (heh) of Monaco Foundation, when three women asked to have their picture taken with him. We have to assume that this is pretty common for Clinton. Two of the women were adult film stars known as Brooklyn Lee and Tasha Reign. Clinton shook their hands and said how much he admired their work.

June:

Loco for tacos
Taco Bell announced that their Doritos Locos Taco, the taco with a Dorito for a shell, was the fastest-shelling fast food item in the history of the world. Since it was introduced to the world a few months earlier, 100 million of the tacos were sold. It took McDonald’s years to sell that many Big Macs. Toilet paper sales also saw a bit jump.

Will anyone move to Canada?
The Supreme Court ruled that the Affordable Care Act, or “Obamacare,” if you listen to talk radio, is constitutional. But because of the confusing format of the written decision, both CNN and FOX News initially reported the opposite. President Barack Obama initially got the incorrect message that it was struck down, and was sad for a few minutes. Sad Obama became the only missed the next Internet meme of 2012.

Pot: More dangerous than we thought
The autopsy of Rudy Eugene, the man who chewed off the face of another man in Miami, found that he had only marijuana in his system, not bath salts, as some first thought. That makes sense. How many times in college did you rock the ganja so hard you got naked and ate someone’s face?

July:

Burning up the road
Colorado burned for more than a month, thanks to heat and droughts felt by much of the country, but one fire can be blamed on a Suburu. Kristan McCann, 19, was fleeing the wildfires, drive to surprise her father in Oregon, but something went wrong. In Idaho, her Suburu clipped a Jeep and ran off the road on Interstate 84, catching fire. McCann escaped the car, but the fire ended up burning 2,000 acres. Surprise!

We’ll play if off as a prank
Comedian Fred Willard did something we all thought was impossible in the Internet Age: he was arrested for allegedly masturbating in an adult movie theater. It later came out that his wife was with him, apparently it’s something they are into. If this ends up being some method acting for Anchorman 2, perhaps I was wrong about that movie.

Have you heard the one about the shooting in Colorado?
Dane Cook, everyone’s favorite comedic punching bag, reclaimed the title of most hated man in stand-up by making jokes about the Colorado move theater shooting less than a week after it happened. Let that be a lesson for all those who think it’s a good idea to go to a Dane Cook show.

August:

They call him the yellow streak
U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has a bit of a reputation for being on the douchey side, thanks to some interviews and findings on social media sites. However, he’s even more of a douche to his fellow swimmers. Lochte admitted during the London Olympics that on occasion he pees in the pool. He said he doesn’t do it in the racing pool, only when he’s warming up. In this case, it’s the pool used for diving competitions. Diving just got more interesting to watch.

Next time ride a horse
Country singer Randy Travis may be the embodiment of how many people see country music, and he gave them a lot to see. Travis made headlines following a wild night that luckily injured no one. First, he walked into a convenience store drunk and bought cigarettes, even though he clearly didn’t have his wallet on him. He was found later lying on the side of the road in a construction zone after his sweet 1998 Trans Am into a barrier. He was arrested after yelling incoherently at the police. Christian country sure has changed.

I see him, too!
The Republican National Convention gathered in Tampa, Florida, which happened to get hit by a storm. On the final night of the convention, Clint Eastwood, of all people, was invited to speak and give his tough-guy-cut-the-crap-we-can-fix-this speech. Unfortunately, he instead walked out on stage with his hair messed up and a mangy look in his eye. The then proceeded to interview a chair for over 10 minutes, saying there was an invisible President Barack Obama sitting there, all the while doing his best Bob Newhart impression.

September:

Bunch of jackasses
The Democrats held their national convention in Charlotte, N.C., where to the surprise of many, President Barack Obama was renominated for the White House. There were many highlights of the event, but the most shocking came when Obama, clearly trying to rekindle the feeling in 2000, made out with Tipper Gore.

Long lines for a longer phone
The iPhone 5 hit shelves today, and as is tradition, people with money to burn and a lot of free time on their hands lined up outside stores across the country to be the first to get the newest intelligent cellular telephone. Unfortunately, none of them were able to find their way home after glitches in Apple map app directed them into the Atlantic Ocean.

Back in stripes
The NFL and the referees’ union came to an agreement after weeks of replacement refs. The need for real refs was highlighted during a Monday night game, where a bad call led to the Seattle Seahawks walking away with a victory over the Green Bay Packers and a growing outrage among coaches, players and fans. The news is best for the Lingerie Football League, which will finally get back its officiating crews.

October:

Made possible by federal support and viewers like you
President Barack Obama and Republican candidate Mitt Romney met for the first presidential debate, during which Romney went on the offensive and even showed signs of a personality. At one point, he said that as much as he loves Big Bird, as president he would cut federal funding to PBS. Not even the threat of losing his job awoke moderator Jim Lehrer from his nap.

The flames are bigger in Texas
Big Tex was a fixture at Texas State Fairs. For 60 years, the mechanical, 52-foot cowboy greeted fairgoers with a smile, pointing to the entrance all the while. But this year, Tex decided to end the fair with a bang. In the waning days of the fair, Tex caught fire and burned down to his metal frame. Fire marshals are leaning toward faulty wiring as the cause, but it seems pretty obvious it was a pre-election self-immolation.

Leia is now one of the Disney princesses
Walt Disney Co. announced that it bought Lucasfilm for a cool $4 billion. On top of that, a seventh Star Wars movie is slated to come out in 2015, with two more in the years to follow. The acquisition has brought both praise and criticism from geeks. Personally, since Disney has acquired Marvel Comics and Jim Henson Co., I’m looking forward to seeing how the Muppets and Avengers helped the Rebels win and restore balance to the Force.

November:

Political ads drop off the charts
America re-elected President Barack Obama by a slightly wider margin that some expected. If there’s one thing we learned from not just from the presidential election, it’s that this country has a very deep ideological split. On the one hand, we support decriminalizing marijuana and letting gays marry, but on the other hand, we like our porn with condoms, goggles, dental dams and rubber gloves.

Just in time for cold season
A study by scientists at the National Health Research Institutes in Taiwan found that methamphetamine fights influenza in humans. The only side effect: being addicted to meth.

Partying too hard for the feds
Andrew W.K., who once said, “Partying is our best hope for world peace,” was going to be a U.S. cultural ambassador to Bahrain. All of the coordination was done with the State Department, the flights were booked, it was a done deal. And then State pulled the plug without giving a reason, thereby canceling the party. Bahrain will have to find ways to break their noses on their own. Thanks, Obama.

December:

Take the money
Publisher Random House had an exceptionally good year for sales, which many attribute to the huge success of 50 Shades of Grey. In celebration, the company announced that it was giving all of its secretaries a $5,000 bonus. But you know they’re just going to blow it all on ball gags and Ben-Wa balls.

Sgt. Pepper’s aging grunge club band
Some of the biggest acts for white people over 50 turned out to for a concert benefiting Sandy relief efforts. The Who, the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Bon Jovi and more all got together for the show, but one of the most unusual acts came in the form of Nirvana–with Paul McCartney filling in for Kurt Cobain, who was unable to make the event. OK, Mayans, I see your point.

A cop on every corner
Exactly one week after 26 people, including 20 elementary-school students, were murdered at the hands of a crazed shooter with legally-acquired assault weapons, the NRA broke its silence. The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre blamed the media, video games, movies, music videos, natural disasters, the Obama administration and more as the cause of the shooting. But not guns. The group called for an armed police officer to be assigned to every school in the U.S., and if funding can’t be found, have armed volunteers patrol instead. Because the only thing that can keep an armed stranger from roaming the halls of our schools is an armed stranger roaming the halls of our schools.

Well, after that tiptoe through the minefield, I need another drink. See you in 2013, you bastards!

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