Month: January 2013

MasterChugs Theater: Lockout

Lockout is a non-sensical video game-esque sci-fi actioner that appears to have been written in a matter of hours, filmed over a couple of days and glossed up in a month’s worth of post-production. This is, quite simply, not a very good movie. Yet, somehow, Guy Pearce playing the sardonic hero with all the good lines, makes everything seem as if it’s not so bad. He’s unable to save the film to the point you can look passed the obvious dialogue and overcooked plot, but if I were to catch this on television one night I probably wouldn’t change the channel.

At least, not right away. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Lockout

It’s only a crime when you’re not demonstrating it, right?

It’s Super Bowl time, which means we clearly don’t need to worry about anything that happens west of New Orleans, right? Wrong. Roxanne Rubin, ever-vigilant patriot that’s not a journalist at all, decided to do some undercover journalism and crack the lid open on voting fraud by proving it exists.

“But Guys,” you may say, “the election was November. That’s two, three months ago.” And we’ll nod our heads and simply ask to turn on the Keurig, break out a cup and keep reading. That cup of schadenfreude will soon be yours.

Rubin, in her steadfast passion, managed to prove something: voter fraud can be committed. She also proved that she could be arrested for committing voter fraud and found guilty in a court of law after copping a plea bargain. Remember, she’s not a journalist, not that the line “It’s okay, I’m an undercover journalist” tends to fly that well in a court of law.

Mmmm-mmm, smell that schadenfreude. Drink deep and enjoy, faithful reader.

Siri’s a narc

Don't play coy with us, Siri. That's a nice face; we'd hate to see it get cracked.
Don’t play coy with us, Siri. That’s a nice face; we’d hate to see it get cracked.

Sure, we all love our smart phones. Who wants to go back to that dark age when you didn’t have a computer in your pocket to entertain you on the train or toilet? But, what if we told you that your smart phone is too smart for its own good?

19-year-old Matthew Dollarhide learned this firsthand when his phone dialed 911 while he and an associate discussed selling drugs. The two were sitting privately in the tow truck Dollarhide drives, and somehow, the phone dialed the authorities by itself, allowing operators to listen in. The operators then dispatched sheriff’s deputies, who found a crack pipe on Dollarhide.

We don’t wish any ill towards Siri, but if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll steer clear of the witness stand. Capisce?

We didn’t create drones to not blow things up

In this war we’re fighting, we need to use every tactical advantage we can against our enemy, and that includes employing the latest war technology. That, of course, means using our drones.

A logical theater to use our drones is in Kenya, where four of the last seven white rhinos on Earth reside. We’re *this* close to wiping them out. But rather than get these bad boys in the air and open fire, the conservationist species traitors have decided to use non-military drones to roam the skies, making sure that poachers don’t kill the rhinos.

Folks, there’s only seven of these things left, and last time we checked, rhinos are deadly creatures that have huge horns on their faces. Why are we hesitating to take them out and add another notch on our belts?

Take it from Snee: Get well soon, Ron Jeremy

You'd feel bad if the actor who plays "The Most Interesting Man in the World" was sick. Here's the real deal.
You’d feel bad if the actor who plays “The Most Interesting Man in the World” was sick. Here’s the real deal.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but an American icon needs our prayers.

Ron Jeremy, star of over 1700 adult films and The Boondock Saints, was hospitalized due to a heart aneurysm.

Why should anyone care about a porn star? Anyone who had a dad in the 80s with a VCR already knows why.

For everyone else, though … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Get well soon, Ron Jeremy

Reptile hippie unhappy with snake hunt, Florida is shocked

Florida has a wee bit of an issue with pythons. We may have told you about that before.

In a move that probably shouldn’t surprise anyone, a species traitor reptile specialist in Florida isn’t too keen on the ongoing Python Challenge. The challenge is designed to aid the natural environment of Florida (the part that doesn’t include senior citizens, pre-zombies and Cuban pork sandwiches) by slowly but surely eradicating the invasive snakes, thus returning nature to its natural balance. Not only that, but it also pays the most successful hunter. See? Positive reinforcement!

But no, Dr. Kevin Wright thinks that feral mammals actually do more damage than the pythons and suggests that we should find ways to unearth their biology through economic means. Clearly he has no memory for the Great Snail Miami Tidal Wave of 2011. The fool. We can’t throw money at the problem to fix it, but we can throw bullets.

Chores are a waste of time

... right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, picking up the groceries ...
… right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, dusting, changing the bed linens, picking up the groceries …

For men who thought that sharing housework duties would make your relationship more fulfilling, that’s true … for your wife. A new study, however, found that it could mean less sex for you.

Couples in more egalitarian relationships where men performed “traditionally female chores — such as cooking, cleaning and shopping” reported having less sex than those couples in which the men performed “traditionally masculine tasks — such as yard work, paying bills and auto maintenance.” Men in the survey reported having sex an average 5.2 times a month, while women reported 5.6.

… Wait a minute. 5.2 versus 5.6?

And now we know: cooking, cleaning and shopping cut into valuable affair-having time — time that women now enjoy.

Why even bother with the coin toss?

Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”

According to a new survey by impartial-sounding Public Religion Research Institute, 27 percent of Americans believe that “athletes who believe in God will have good health and success.” This explains why a man who plays a game consistently on the Lord’s day, who was involved in the murder of another man, obstructed justice and then struck a deal with the victim’s family, is in the Super Bowl. He does thank God, after all.

Be on the lookout for the sight of ice thawing, scent of chicken thawing

It ain’t easy being a criminal out there these days. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, or at least, a man-eat-chicken wing world, but with chicken wing prices rising (I know, I shed tear for that news too), soon we’ll have content ourselves by eating just the chicken feet (which are surprisingly tasty, unless you’re my mom and we’re in Chinatown).

Atlanta, Georgia, saw its own horror rise up, as two men stole 65 thousand dollars worth of Tyson chicken wings right from a cold storage facility. The pair were captured, but the location of the wings remains unknown. Also unknown is why they took the snack food. Were they throwing a party? Opening a restaurant? Trying to create an artificial shortage of chicken wings in the Atlanta area? The world may never know.

The Guys couldn’t possibly imagine what 65 thousand dollars worth of chicken wings looks like. Heaven? Hell? Death? Probably yes to all three.

German army keeps abreast on new diversionary tactics

Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.
Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.

As the U.S. begins to lift the ban on women in small combat units, Germany has proposed another solution: man-made Amazons. One battalion, the Wachbattalion, has suddenly had more boys asking it to dance now that all the men are growing left breasts. Not pecs, mind you: full-on titties.

Doctors believe it comes from repeatedly smacking their rifles against the left side of their chest during precision drilling. Pounding on that same spot has caused a condition called gynecomastia, in which the male body is stimulated into producing the hormones that grow moobs. Over 70 percent of the battalion has been affected, while the other 30 percent have written letters to god in their diaries, wondering when it will be their turn to blossom.

But, don’t worry: the German military takes this very seriously:

Military officials have promised to keep an eye on the men’s breasts. ‘The affected soldiers are being medically supervised and treated individually,’ an army spokesman told the Herald.

Who wants to bet it involves a lot of massages and shirts-vs-skins basketball?

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link! That’s two in two days.]