Siri is … NOT the father!

"Your peak fertility date is ... January ... 12 ... 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?"
“Your peak fertility date is … January … 12 … 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?”

Hello, SeriouslyLadies! How are those resolutions coming? You know: losing some pounds, quitting smoking, dressing more like Rizzo to finally land Danny or maybe even — dare we say — having a baby?

If you’re not pregnant, yet, don’t worry. There’s an app for that. (SeriouslyGuys: bringing back 2008’s punchlines for 2013!)

Ovuline isn’t your grandma’s ovulation calendar app. It also asks you deeply personal questions about your mood, weight, calorie intake, blood pressure and cervical mucous. We’re not sure how your phone takes these measurements, but we’re positive that you won’t have to worry about your man spying on your phone while you go take a dump. Er, freshen up.

Man buys expensive booze, doesn’t offer us any

There are some things in life that we at SG HQ will just never have. A Ford GT prototype, the ability to pee standing up, a Double-Double Animal style, a rock opera starring Ice T, even our very own continent — sadly all are out of our reach. We just can’t reach that echelon of monetary status.

That said, we are here on our hands and knees, begging for a sip of Lyle Shellenberg’s latest purchase: a 50 year old bottle of scotch. We consider ourselves amateur alcohol connoisseurs and it would only make our destiny if we were to have a glass of that sweet, sweet liquid. Please, Mister Shellenberg, make our dream come true.

Hey, it’s not like we’re asking for a sixer of Pabst. We’ve got class.

God smites the sexy statue

Repent, ye Australian sculptors of sexy lady sculptures, for ye will be judged–not on your sins, but on your artistic ability.

If there is a god in Australia, he is not a fan of boobs, or at least the ones made by Tom Finlay. The stonemason was reportedly only 50 meters (roughly 10.2 feet, we think) from his curvy sculpture dedicated to the women of Northern Territory, Australia, when lightning stuck, shattering the statue.

Somehow the only significant part of the sculpture to survive the strike and the fall were the boobs, though one nipple was damaged.