Why, hello there, patient readers. Sorry I haven’t answered your letters recently. I’ve been busy, fighting some paternity suits from my totally unrelated chain of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of unhappy mothers to accuse of postpartum depression under oath. (Not sure what the legal defense is against allegedly cuckolded dads is, though.)
Anyway, it’s a new year, which means it’s time for the same old boring resolutions. So, if you haven’t quit quitting smoking yet — which odds and these Camel dollars say otherwise — then congratulations! You’ve made it over the hump: one week. Your body is no longer addicted to nicotine. Technically.
The War on Animals may have just gotten a bit bigger. Thanks to a team of human science spies, we now have proof of a legendary creature: el squidante gigante! (This may not actually be its true Latin name.)
Granted, we’ve seen larger versions of the beast before, as the one seen was a mere 10 feet, but it has the additional benefit of also being alive. Never before had we seen it moving upon its own volition.
This will hopefully lead to further knowledge of the beast. After all, if we can figure them out now, then we can theoretically stem the tide when the giant squid is inevitably sent after us in wave after wave after wave.
According to a new study in the Journal of Neuroscience, bilingual people retain sharper brain activity later in life. Seniors aged 60 to 68 who had spoken two or more languages since childhood were comparatively faster than their monolingual peers “at switching from one task to another and used less energy in the frontal parts of their brain when making the switch.”
In case you hadn’t heard, hockey is coming back, and the Canadians are simply going crazy about it. In Alberta, one man would say that they’re going too crazy.
In Alberta, someone took Randy Nemirsky’s brand new outhouse, and he wants it back. He and his son reportedly build the outhouse (pronounced “oot-house”) over the summer, and it cost them $1,000 Canadian, as if they have real money. But some hoser took it during the fall, while father and son were away.