Day: January 11, 2013

You Missed It: Painting the future edition

Will, this is what you're going to wake up next to in about 15 years--assuming Kate lets herself go and starts smoking.
Will, this is what you’re going to wake up next to in about 15 years–assuming Kate lets herself go and starts smoking.

Another week is in the books, but this one was a little different, because the Oscar nominees were announced this week, and it got everyone talking. That’s surprising, considering no one watches the actual award ceremony anymore. It doesn’t matter who is hosting, who is winning, or even what awards are being awarded, award shows just don’t appeal to people under 40 anymore. Yet everyone has an opinion on the nominees. If you were busy getting snubbed this week, odds are you missed it.

A royal mess

This week, the first official painting of Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, was revealed to the public. And it got bad reviews. It’s not often that someone has a painting of themselves commissioned, but when they do, one assumes they want it to look like them. Instead, the royals got a glimpse at an older, heavier, bigger-nosed Kate. This is why the Windsors should just do Instragram from now on.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 is … no one. After no candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. This seems like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

Defending the right to reload less frequently
The National Rifle Association announced that it has received over 100,000 new members in the 19 days since the Sandy Hook, N.J., shooting, which left 20 children and six adults dead at the hands of a crazed man armed with assault weapons. Many believe the surge in membership has been fueled by President Barack Obama’s pledge to bring about new gun control legislation. These people seem to have far too much faith in the federal government being able to accomplish something.

Will the shoe be given the boot?

Monopoly is a fantastic game. Next to Snakes & Ladders, it’s the only other game where numerous families have been nearly destroyed over long, drawn out games that take place over the holidays, and that’s just following the rules out of the box. Throw in special house rules and extra below the table agreements, and you’ve got “My First Totalitarian Rule” in a box.

But everything’s changing now! Hasbro has decided that it’s time to update the classic game, and as such, one of the long used pieces is getting the boot. Internet users can go to a Facebook page and cast their vote for their favorite piece.

Allow us to lobby for the end of the thimble. It’s the most boring piece out of them all, has no intrinsic special powers (unlike the other pieces: shoe gets to boot other pieces, battleship gets to shoot down houses, top hat has built-in extra money) and no one bothers with thimbles anymore. It’s time for the old to go out and make room for the new. Vote out the thimble, and vote in the robot.

One-way flight to Snaketown, population: you

THERE'S MOTHERF#%KIN' SOMETHING ON THE MOTHERF&@KIN' WING!
THERE’S MOTHERF#%KIN’ SOMETHING ON THE MOTHERF&@KIN’ WING!

Samuel L. Jackson warned us, but we didn’t believe him. And now, we’ve finally had it: a motherf#%kin’ snake on a motherf&@kin’ plane.

The snake, a 9-foot-long Amethystine python, attempted to crush the life out of an airplane mid-flight from Australia to Papua New Guinea. Passengers caught the python mid-constriction on the wing about an hour into their flight. It may have attempted to cut off fuel to the engine, but died by the time the plane landed.

And the worst part? The snake attacked a Quantas flight. Had it been successful, it could have shattered humanity’s — and Rain Man’s — faith in our safest airline.

Bros in space

Are you a douche? Do you want to go into space? Axe Body Spray has a plan for you, old boy!

Axe, which for some reason thinks it should be all in capitals, because it’s like, so intense, bro, is joining forces with Buzz “Buzz” Aldrin, better known as the second man on the moon, to create an online competition called the “Axe Apollo Space Academy.” If you enter by Feb. 3, you have a chance to go into space on one of those space plane things for a few minutes.

Rick, we know you want to drink in space.